Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Growing up. At some point, it was apparently assumed by those around me that I’m old enough now to handle things like owning a car or living on my own. This assumption was incorrect. Not only can I not manage to renew my car registration, fix my broken glasses, keep money in my bank account, or order new checks, but I couldn’t even get it together enough to go grocery shopping for a full week. Do you know what that means? I am not capable of feeding myself. Someone please call my mother.

Maine. I don’t even fucking want to talk about it.

Shiitake mushrooms. I did not know I did not like these until my boss gave me some and I tried to make and eat them and they just taste kind of like, I don’t know, fungus. Good to know!

Goth/trance DJs with leather jackets from 1982. I feel like it says something about you if you can’t even choose between the genres of “goth” and “trance.” One thing you can say about people who identify as either  “goth” or “trance,” at least they know who you are. Get your shit together, DJ, and then never play here again.

Remember that time I was supposed to email my advisor new pages of my thesis by yesterday Oh my God I’m hilarious

My baby brother has a girlfriend? This isn’t something I “hate” unequivocally, exactly, but a thing that I have a lot of questions about. Is this a good idea? Is she one of those people who thought The Kite Runner was a great book? Is he past the point where he thinks mixing everything in the kitchen together, including potato chips, into an omelet tastes good? If not, he may not be mature enough to handle this. It only adds to the already worrying list of questions I have about him. Will he ever get a job? Will he ever not be cooler than me? Would a Jason-Derulo-style chinstrap look good on him? Or would it cause him, too, to pop-and-lock in front of windows like a douche? I JUST DON’T KNOW

Guys did it make you really sad that Dotcom didn’t get the part on 30 Rock this week? It made me and Peter really sad. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the episode yet, I already know that I am always the last person to see every 30 Rock episode ever. TEAM DOTCOM

another thought on healthcare

Just fucking pass the bill already.  It’s not so hard.  There are people out there who can’t afford to get transplants or ultrasounds or radiation or what have you, and it’s because our current healthcare system is fucking unfair.  Get on that, America.

Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Literally all videos this week… boring, I know.  Sorry everyone.

Cute videos: a slow loris being tickled and Autotuned cats.  Each of these has spawned an “adorable or terrifying?” debate among my friends –– there’s some controversy re: the appeal of a slow loris’s giant eyeballs or the yowling of cats set to electronica, which admittedly hold some weight –– but still, I cannot not enjoy these.

Pop culture videos: Jude Law reciting part of “Poker Face” on Jimmy Fallon’s show and a few days later, as a response, Christopher Walken reciting a different part of it on Jonathan Ross’s show.  How can I possibly choose one over the other?  On one hand, Jude Law has a better section to recite: he gets the “love glue gun” line and everything.   On the other, there is Christopher Walken and one of the spookiest voices alive.

An interesting intellectual video: Went on a hyperlink roadtrip the other day –– link to link to link to link –– and ended up at this presentation about constructions of masculinity in Disney animated movies.  Whenever Disney movies of my generation (Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, etc) are studied from a gender perspective, it seems that the analysis is through a feminist lens, usually studying the effect of Disney Princesses and their representation of femininity on girls’ psyches –– which isn’t to be scoffed at, but I hadn’t really thought of the effect of Disney on boys’ psyches until the other day when I found this.  And to be fair, there’s a good amount of idealized masculinity that goes on in those movies too.

A television show about ad execs: This week it happened on Mad Men, what we’ve been waiting for over the past three seasons: November 22, 1963.  It was the Day Everything Changed, and not simply for the nation; for many of the characters, in particular Don and Betty, daily life will never be the same.  What a powerful episode, guys.  (Sunday night is the season finale, so you can just assume Mad Men will retain its Super Great spot next week.)

funny story

Guys, the election was exactly one year ago.  I can’t get over it.  Remember all the fear and hope on Election Night?  Remember all the excitement and hope the next day, and how everyone seemed to think Obama would fix Everything Ever?

Too bad we forgot about the red states, huh.

when will you be angelic

Dear America,

Fuck you. I’m done with this. I’m done with you. I’m not even talking about the specific voters in Maine; I don’t know what their deal is, but they’ll just have to work it out in therapy on their own time and that’s not my problem. I’m talking about how I had to say the words freedom and justice every day for twelve years of my life while I stood up and recited the Pledge of Allegiance at 7:30 am and now that I’m an adult I find out that my basic civil rights can be put up to a popular vote, and how that is bullshit. I’m through arguing about this and I’m done talking about it. Call me when you figure your shit out. Until then,  leave me alone.

 

Love,

Rachel

Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

My sick love/hate relationship with candy corn. It’s good for me Halloween only happens once a year, or I would need a fucking kidney transplant. I cannot even begin to imagine how bad these must be for you – like, I would guess that just eating corn syrup with a spoon might be preferable – but I just cannot stop eating them. WHY DO YOU TASTE SO GOOD BUT ALSO KIND OF BAD BUT I LOVE EATING YOU

The blurry line between offensiveness and political correctness and Halloween. Okay, so I’m pretty sure that stuff like this is racist/inappropriate/indefensibly wrong, and that dressing up your nine-year-old sister as Zsa Zsa Gabor is weird. But what about things like this? Maybe I’ve just gone to a *COUGH* non-sectarian Jewish university for too long, but I find myself giggling a little. What do you think? Is it mean of me to dress up as Lindsay Lohan? Who will be my SamRo?

My apartment is being invaded by bugs. It is FALL it should be way too cold for bugs they should all be DEAD by now. That is my vote.

There is no country called Scandinavia. I hate being one of those people who’s like ‘OMG did you see Stephen Colbert last night SO FUNNY HAHA” but guys, there is no country called Scandinavia. That is a fact. This video is 100% great, in a proportion inverse to how awful this actual anti-gay ad campaign is.

(Okay I really really wanted to embed the video here so you could actually watch it but I can’t do it right SO here is the LINK you should def watch it anyways, the only difference is that you have to click twice instead of once! You can do it!)

I am a little embarrassed by how excited I am for The Fame Monster. Seriously, I am really glad there is no way for you to check how many times a day I listen to Bad Romance and Alejandro on YouTube. I find myself agreeing wholeheartedly with this reviewer: “Imagine wearing an amazing hat in the world’s best restaurant. THAT IS WHAT THIS SONG IS LIKE.” I think the time has come for me to admit that my love of Lady Gaga is becoming less and less ironic every day, and at this point is maybe just entirely genuine. ALEJANDRO ALEJANDRO ALEJANDRO

Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

“On My Own” (Les Mis) and “Maybe This Time” (Cabaret), respectively. How have I not learned to appreciate these songs until recently? I can’t even claim ignorance as an excuse, because I’d heard them before. It took Kristin Chenoweth and the Speedster to make me realize how great they are. Man, maybe I should not be so hard on Les Mis! Maybe there is a reason it’s the longest-running musical show on Broadway!

Mad Men. This week was all about the ladies, as Joan smashed a vase over her rapist husband’s head (YES!!), Roger actually turned down an ex-love in favor of marital fidelity (what? Mr. Sterling, way to finally respect women) and, in a riveting reversal of power, Betty confronted Don about his box o’ secrets/lies (!!!). And then when I expected Don to get all angry and defensive as per usual, he completely fell apart: cried and told Betty the whole truth. Don Draper CRIED. I can’t even imagine where the show will go from here.

“Whatcha Say,” Jason Derülo (feat. Imogen Heap). Three things I love: mashups, Imogen Heap’s “Hide and Seek,” and Autotuned R&B/hip hop. Therefore it follows that it is impossible for me not to enjoy this song. The sampled Imogen bit even happens to be my favorite part of “Hide and Seek”! I don’t know if I would listen to anything else by Jason Derülo, but whatevs. This song is awesomely catchy, even though Derülo is the kind of guy to sing his own name at the beginning of his music video.

Etgar Keret, The Girl on the Fridge. Keret’s a writer I keep hearing about, but I hadn’t read any of his stuff until a couple weeks ago and oh my, is it good. He has a talent at clubbing you over the head with his closing sentences. Go read “One Hundred Percent” or “Without Her” right now if you don’t believe me. Actually, no, go do it even if you do believe me. Get out of that computer chair right this very minute, young lady/gentleman.

SoulPancake. Have I talked about this already? SoulPancake’s a site started by Rainn Wilson, among others, to discuss the “big questions” in life. It’s quirky and interesting and I bookmarked it a long time ago, but hadn’t checked it out in months until this week, when I needed study breaks. Reading it feels like having an unexpectedly philosophical conversation with close friends, when you’re all sitting on the floor eating pizza and somehow you all end up discussing your beliefs and thoughts instead of playing Marry/Boff/Kill as per usual.

Sleep. If only I could do more of it.

Halloween is tomorrow! And you guys, I didn’t expect to find what I needed for a costume today at the drugstore, but it was totally there, you know, and now I am totes ready! I am going to be a Freudian slip. What about you? (On a related note, spooky/morbid songs with children singing on the chorus, a lá “In the Room Where You Sleep” or “The Hazards of Love III,” are pretty sweet. I don’t know enough of them to make a Halloween playlist, but ah well. I could always go the generally-spooky route and tack on “Airport Song.”)

feared science

Guys, learning Blender is hard.  Even at the computer kind of science, I am not very good.  But I have to learn to be, because I am creating a 3D short film about a dancing robot!  Hopefully the professor takes pity on my humanities-studying ass and gives me an A for effort.

calling all anthropomorphism enthusiasts

I wasn’t sure when the right time was to bring this up, and I want to make sure it’s done appropriately, but I think the moment has come for me to just say it: someone very special has recently entered my life.

 

Hello, my name is: ___________

 

This is a jar of sourdough starter, obtained through the same kind of network of crunchy granola foodie friends through which you can get things like kombucha babies or Google Wave invites or whatever. It’s a pretty great thing! If you mix it with water and flour and stuff it makes sourdough bread, which is cool. What is potentially cooler, though, and maybe the main draw for me, is how you have to maintain it. Basically, you keep the same batch of starter alive indefinitely and use little bits of it at a time to make bread; in order to do this, you have to “feed” the main batch regularly with flour and water to keep it alive.  Do you know what this means? Yes. Yes. It means that this is a pet. At least as much of a pet as a fish, and it will never commit suicide by leaping out of its jar to suffocate on the floor. I am really kind of genuinely enamored with this idea, in case it’s not clear: the thought of an amorphous, bubbly blob the color of the bathroom stalls in my elementary school as a pet is actually pretty great for me. I’m seriously planning on drawing a face to the outside of this Patak’s jar in order to form a stronger bond with my starter. There is one major obstacle for me right now, though – my sourdough starter doesn’t have a name. This is where you, Dear Reader, can help! I’ve had a few suggestions already – I think that right now, “Clyde” is in the lead. But I haven’t heard anything yet that really resonates as the true identity of this kind-of-vinegary-smelling mush. What are your thoughts? The best answer could win some sourdough bread made with the thing they just named! Or they might not, realistically, because I’ve got other stuff to do! Go at it!

Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Why Ranbir why Look, Deepika Padukone, I like you, and imma let you finish, but you’re really going to keep Ranbir Kapoor all for yourself? Excuse me while I go put together my Hindi song-and-dance routine about how heartbroken I am.

OMG RANBIR!!1!

What am I going to be for Halloween? Seriously, idk

Everyone on the internet is so mean! Guys, can we leave Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Valenti alone? Let’s be honest, none of us want to live in a world where it’s okay to shit on someone just because they are pretty, got married, or are on drugs. I understand that being on the Internet makes you feel all brave, like you’ve suddenly become the football quarterback who used to shut you in his locker and who you had confusing dreams about at night, but that is not true. You are just a dick.

Speaking of the internet, I just cannot stop looking at these two things: Regretsy, and McNaughton Fine Art. Absolutely cannot. It is making it literally impossible to do anything else with my life. I won’t even say anything else about them. Just go.

Okay, I will say one thing: At the McNaughton site, read the Interview with the Artist. Just read it.

It turns out police are pretty fucking brutal all the fucking time. Like, even on the National Day of Action Against Police Brutality. Listen, I understand they’re American heroes, but to be honest I’ve never had a great experience with them, ever. Either they’ve been pulling me over for nonsense (not slowing down enough at a YIELD sign?) and then acting like dicks, or they’ve been being completely unhelpful in an actual investigation. Just as a thought exercise, I’m wondering how many actual crimes were committed during the time when these eight police officers assaulted one unarmed woman in Brooklyn today. Just wondering. And hey, paramedics, you’re not off the hook either. Remember that time you had a woman arrested for assault because she apparently struck you while in the middle of a seizure? Remember how it took nine hours after the beginning of her seizure for her to actually get treatment because you sent her to jail instead of the hospital? Yeah, that was pretty fucking embarrassing, huh? I’m in a good mood today, so I won’t make a point about how this woman’s being black may or may  not have influenced your (lack of) treatment. I’ll just let you think about that on your own.

I had no class today, and I don’t even really think I have any homework, and I’m making apple crisp, motherfucker. Oh wait, that isn’t something I hate. That is something I fucking LOVE.