YES PLEASE

Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Currently, I have six pages to send my advisor after two weeks. I’m just going to start putting “embarrassment” on my resumé.

Gyno exams/PAP tests. Am I right, ladies? Yes. I am right.

How early it gets dark lately. This happens every year; it really should not be a surprise at this point. But somehow it succeeds in being newly and horribly depressing every single time. Right now it is 5:15 and you would guess, just looking out the window, that it is 11 pm. Kind of makes you want to just crawl in bed/a hole and die, no?

I’m almost kind of seriously considering spending $32 on this. This is what my life has come to. Pining over kitchen items that a 55-year-old church matron would own, and not even really having the money for them. #iamawinner. But seriously you can make red velvet cupcakes in them and they look beautiful! Also, I may have put “yeast” on my christmas list.

This makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. It’s like there’ s some secret male cabal inside a volcano somewhere that’s having meetings about how there actually are a few more or less positive role models for girls and women out there, and maybe we could undermine them by making sure you engage with them on a level that’s both sexualized AND infantilized. Upcoming models are “Baking Fun With Ruth Bader Ginsberg” and “Pretty and Picante! Cherríe Moraga and Gloria Anzaldúa.” I hate everything.

Twilight, sort of. I have many conflicting feelings about Twilight, and I feel like this article encapsulates all of them. “Last night I was introduced to the concept of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob. (One young woman near me was wearing fake blood and a homemade “I Love Jacob” t-shirt, and was drinking a forty.)” I mean, I have many reactions to that; that’s completely horrible, but also kind of great. I don’ t know! How do you feel?

Basically, although this was not a super awesome week by any means (GREs? What?), it is not unsalvageable. For instance, I bet you didn’t know that TODAY IS HEATHER’S BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER, or that my internship bosses did THIS:

That is your birthday present, Heather. I hope you enjoy.

Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Brand-new permanent markers. It really bugs me when pens or markers start drying up but you have to use them anyway, due to a scarcity of writing utensils, and the office Rachel and I work in has been in that position for weeks. On Monday when I came in and discovered our bosses had replaced the old one, it felt like a mini-Christmas.

Teaching fellows. This week marked the end of both my discussion sections, which is kinda sad. (Yesterday when class ended our section group actually lingered, slowly gathering up their stuff and pausing before reluctantly heading out the door.) Shoutout to my awesome film TAs! I hope we bump into each other in the English office sometime.

David Sedaris. If he recorded more of his readings, I would actually subscribe to more than one podcast. I have been listening to his reading at the University of Michigan all week at work and seriously, it is hard not to start laughing.  I have to keep monitoring my face for big out-of-nowhere smiles just so my coworkers think I’m sane.

“Bad Romance” (still). I cannot stop listening to this song or watching the video.  At last count, I have heard it seven times today.

let me tell you all about my proclivity for not finishing projects

I have a tendency to not finish things, regardless how enthused I am in the beginning.

Yes, I know: in that regard I am not unlike Harry Lockhart in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. But I digress –– I am taking too much time to get to the point, and thereby not finishing what I started, even here! The point being, back when we started this here ol’ blog in February (nine months ago! gee willikers!), we envisioned it with bonus extras of comics/sketches drawn by me and perhaps some occasional vlog content. Plus a weekly listing of what we Hate and Think Super Great, which went and continues to go quite nicely, as you may have noticed, all four of you regular readers. And Rachel’s Top Fives (an idea we didn’t even have in the very beginning, when we started this up) run quite regularly and nicely themselves. But the comics/sketches empire I originally envisioned consists of three silly finished drawings and one unfinished, albeit silly, comic strip about Newton Minow sitting in my top desk drawer. I started penciling Mr. Minow in early May and the comic is still only one panel long. Thus, I have concluded that perhaps it is time to let go of the dream. Clearly I am no Kate Beaton (not that I ever dared to imagine I was; Kate Beaton is the shiznat).

Anyway. Return to main discussion before I go off on how much I dig Kate Beaton. Rachel has her Top Fives column and I am no good at sticking to comics production, so I feel it is time to renounce said comics and come up with something else, something preferably written, a column-of-sorts of my own. But I don’t have time these days to stroke my chin and brainstorm themes for hours and thusly I turn to you, dear readers. Suggestions? What would you theoretically enjoy reading about, straight from me to you, on a sporadic basis? Presuming, of course, that this “sporadic basis” is less sporadic than the comics have turned out to be, but I am not worried about that, as writing comes much easier to me than sketching the wrinkle-lines on Newton Minow’s face.

Gee willikers, it’s 3:25! I am off to bed.

top five: things that are worse than twilight

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, a good friend of mine manned up and gave me the first installment of Twilight for my birthday. It means a lot to me that she was willing to buy it in public, and I was excited to find out if the crazy/hilarious/disturbing and offensive aspects of the movie were as ridiculous and outrageous in book form. Basically, I was excited about hating on something that everyone else loved for a full 500 pages or so. But then, dear readers, a crazy thing happened – the book wasn’t actually that bad. I mean, I wouldn’t have kept reading if it wasn’t A Cultural Phenomenon, but really? The accounts I’d heard of Stephenie Meyers’ barely competent English and cardboard-cutout characters were kind of overblown. It’s just kind of a mediocre book, in the end. And so, inspired by the release of the new movie and the realization that its soundtrack might be something I actually enjoy, I give you the list of things that are in fact much worse than Twilight.

1. Every Nicholas Cage movie. This is a topic we’ve addressed before, but I really can’t overstate it. I liked “The Rock.” But that was it. What was that “superhero” movie he did? FireSkeleton Rides Again or some shit? Also, I just remembered he gets laid in The Rock, and that is disgusting. Nevermind, that one isn’t okay either. Twilight is a movie I can actually enjoy in that it’s hilariously bad; I have to be very very intoxicated to feel the same way about Nicholas Cage movies. (Not that I haven’t done that, though.)

2. Sarah Palin’s new book. While we’re talking about implausible works of fantasy that promote a ridiculous and dangerous abstinence-only lifestyle, I feel like we should be coming down a little harder on the ones that have political and policy implications for actual people, and not just pretend shiny vampires. Bristol, girlfriend, sorry you had to take this one for the team.

3. Tila Tequila. As a person, as  a show, as a role model, as a “queer person,” as a concept. Just say no.

4. The US prison system/ prison industrial complex. Seriously, guys, it’s not okay! In real life, Edward would have been arrested for driving 120 mph or whatever it is, and then sent to a juvenile detention center for an outrageously long time because the judge who sentenced him is getting kickbacks from “juvenile reform” programs, and probably abused both by other members of the program and by the warden. Bella would probably have been abused by her cop father, because the law enforcement system has ridiculously high domestic violence rates. THERE YOU HAVE IT.

5. The Game, by Neil Strauss. Okay, so there are a lot of things that Twilight kind of subtextually promotes that I don’t necessarily agree with – namely, abstinence, heteronormativity, female passivity, unhealthily possessive/dependent relationships, and the undead. But there are also books out there COUGH COUGH that that very explicitly and intentionally promote awful things – namely, a kind of deeply dysfunctional masculinity that relies upon subjugation and deception of women as its foundational concept. This isn’t a concept that Neil Strauss or any other “pick up artists” invented, but it is something that he pretty explicitly wrote a how-to guide for, under the guise of an exposé. At least in Twilight it’s pretend, you know? And also sparkly!

 

THE END, New Moon comes out this weekend, I am not sure when I’ll see it but I know I will be PREPARED TO BE DAZZLED

WHAT THE FUCK.

This is so not cool, Carcieri.

Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Mad Men (again). Obviously you know I love it and all, but this is not a show praised because it makes you feel good when it’s over.  It keeps being Super Great week after week because of how powerful the episodes are, not because I’m exactly cheerful by show’s end.  But!  You guys, the season finale last Sunday actually left me feeling pretty happy!!  Everyone, from Roger to Don to Betty to Peggy to even Lane Pryce, decided to stick it to the Man (whoever “the Man” happened to be in their respective situations, whether a husband or a boss).  The guys at Sterling Cooper conspired to start a new ad agency and took all the best Sterling-Cooperites: Joan’s back at a steady job, even though her douche husband joined the Army!  Peggy’s on an equal level with everyone else! If we could only get Sal back, Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce would be FTW!  Overall, I was upset over far fewer in-episode events this week than I ordinarily am.  Although –– to address the other plot this ep –– that doesn’t leave you off the hook, Betty, for going to another man you barely know and leaving 2/3 of your kids with Carla, who you assume can take care of them because she’s on your payroll.  And the scene when you told the kids you were divorcing was heartbreaking.  But the decision to divorce Don’s lying ass?  About time, Bets.

Pillows on Etsy. Too bad all the cute ones are way out of my price range.

Dinner at Rachel’s. Thanks for inviting me over.  What a good time!

Ghost World. Turns out that this movie is way better/more enjoyable than I remembered it to be.  Perhaps because the only other time I saw it, I was twelve and watching it with my dad?  Yes, I think so.

Cold(er) weather! I know everyone else seemed to be perfectly satisfied –– nay, thrilled –– that they could go without a coat in early November, but the mid-60s-to-70s temperature just brought out my neuroses.  Every time I stepped out of a building it was like an alarm went off in my head blaring “GLOBALWARMINGGLOBALWARMING” until I went inside again.  It should not be so warm in November.  That is late April weather.

Lunching with Emma. How nice is it to run into friends unexpectedly on your lunch break?  Really nice, if you were wondering.  Maybe we could do it again, except this time on purpose.

Gene Kelly. Watched Singin’ in the Rain last night for the first time, and half of it was spent talking with my friends about how amazing Mr. Kelly is.  I mean, seriously.  Have you ever seen him dance?  (Or choreograph, for that matter?  He also choreographed and codirected the entire movie.)  Just “Moses Supposes” is more good dancing than most movies, but then the film continues.  For like another 90 minutes.  I’m surprised our faces didn’t melt off by the end of it.

“Bad Romance.” After an initial reaction of “WTFwasTHAT,” I have become (like Rachel) addicted to this music video.  It’s so deliciously weird and creepy!  And the song is 100% catchy.

Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Obnoxious customers. I’m trying to keep all the barista complaints into one item, or else they’ll take over. Basically,  if I have to make coffee for one more guy who crooks their finger at me coyly to get my attention, who makes me lean over a dirty counter in the middle of a loud set when there are other people waiting just so they can try to flirt with me, or who orders something and then when it’s time to pay says “Uh, I’m in the band that’s on next, so…” I’mma choke a bitch. This is not worth two dollars in tips.

That Mario song “Why You Wanna Break Up.” Jesus Christ, Mario, I want to break up with you when I hear this song and I’m not even dating you. “Girl, it wouldn’t be the same if I was with somebody else”? “When I kiss you so good why you wanna break up?” Are you serious? Are you begging an eighth grader not to leave you? Because that’s what it sounds like.

Stupak blah blah blah I know I should be angry about this, and I am, but I’m also just too tired to do anything but crawl in a hole and hope I never need an abortion ever.

The de-gaying of Tom Ford’s new movie A Single Man. I am probably not going to see this movie, because that costs money and I don’t have an attention span that long. But doesn’t this just seem inherently silly and also childish to create promotional material that intentionally obscures the actual plotline of a movie just because it has dudes who like dudes in it? Why did you make the movie, then? Was your entire plan to try to trick people into the theater, and then hope they enjoy the movie anyway? Generations of single straight ladies have gotten to sigh over Colin Firth; can’t we let the gays have a turn without getting all uptight about it?

I will meet my little brother’s new girlfriend in like five hours. Oh man I hope I don’t hate her. I also hope she doesn’t find this post. Boy would my face be red. (Unless I hate her, I guess? I don’t know.)

My fucking freezer won’t fucking freeze stuff. That is its only job. My roommate showed me today that you can actually just turn up the coldness, so I guess maybe it was kind of my fault, but whatever. YOU RUINED MY ICE CREAM, FREEZER.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS TERRIFYING So, there’s a pretty good chance that if you know about ReBorns or have watched this really creepy documentary then you are already aware of how weird and not okay they are. But then there is this! Who would take something that already gives me shudders and turn it into a thing that literally gives me nightmares? Is it supposed to be premature? Then why does it have a full head of hair? Oh my god so many feelings, none of them good.

top five: videos I am obsessed with

1.

CLEARLY.

2. I was tempted to just stop there, but also:

I like that T&S and Lady Gaga were both rocking the new-age gimp suit look. They obviously discussed this beforehand. (ALSO I am getting so much better at telling Tegan and Sara apart!)

3.

Peter: “You know, I think those might actually be his words.”

4.

I think part of me is hoping that if I just keep sharing the same logical, common-sense facts about this, that the rest of America will finally listen. Maybe this is a naive fantasy, but let me dream.

5.

In which Ellen and Portia are cute enough to make up for how weird Oprah makes me feel. Also, does anyone else kind of want/expect Portia to just be Better Off Ted’s Veronica in real life? No? Just me?

 

guess what

So today when I was looking in the mirror to put in my contacts, I realized that I don’t hate my nose anymore. In fact, I actively like it! No more does it resemble for me a hideously pointy growth in the middle of my face. Now it just looks like it belongs there.  Boy howdy, am I excited.

But why did it take me so long to accept my nose?  Furthermore, why does it take anyone this long?  I look at the women around me and if they’re not worried about their butts or bellies, they are worried about a tiny gap in their teeth or the chub on the underside of their upper arms or the shape of their eyebrows or their cup size.  Ladies, you look fine.  Great, actually.  You not only look it, but you are it.  Learn to stop insisting the only people who think so are people “who have to,” e.g. your family and friends.  People think you’re wonderful because you are.  Period.