Monthly Archives: May 2011

dispatches from the field

things my dad had written down on a piece of paper to buy for me to eat while i was here:

  • humus (one m)
  • eggplant
  • zucchini
  • tofu (did not buy)
  • “chickpeas in bag” (???)
related: novel experiences involved in the watching of the remake of predator:
  • pioneering use of the phrase “space faggot”

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brainwaves

modes of communication utilized between my housemates and i within the physical space of our house:

  • talking
  • talking between rooms
  • gchat
  • texting (ok, this one is just me)
  • twitter
  • facebook
  • email
  • skype chat
  • skype voice
  • the actual telephone

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ways to prepare for the Rapture

  • bake cookies
  • eat cookies
  • study eschatology via Wikipedia

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Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Because I guess I should really get to doing this thing.

Danny Pudi.  I love Abed on Community.  Need I say more?  Also, Danny Pudi and Donald Glover together.

Thor was surprisingly good!  It passes the Bechdel test and there’s no objectification of women in the film, only of Thor himself.  I know, I thought it was kind of weird (but awesome) too.  Plus, villain Loki gets some psychological depth and is played by a dude (Tom Hiddleston) who looks just like Johnny Weir.  This movie was designed for me.  The Jotun kind of sucked, though, seeing as they resemble a hybrid race of Smurf Uruk-hai.  Ah, well.  The LOTR pretty much made it certain that any evildoing hordes in a movie from now on would look like orcs.

Serbia FTW.  How did Nina not win Eurovision this year with “Caroban”?  I mean, come on.  Greece did better??  Really?

Burlesque.  I went to a beginner’s workshop two weeks ago and really enjoyed it!  The other day I found out that the same troupe who ran the workshop is holding an amateur competition in July, too, so I… er… signed up before I could chicken out of it.  Yeah.  So if any of you are interested in seeing me perform striptease in public, you are welcome to come support me!  Winner’s determined half by the judges and half by the audience’s enthusiasm.

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Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

This “wine glass” was probably the worst thing to happen to me all weekend. And it was on a Friday. Fuck you too, internet.

Also, this thing about Osama bin Laden.  I thought I was emotionally ready to read about his death, and I was, but I wasn’t ready for the Facebook references aggressively peppered throughout? What is wrong with me? Or, alternatively, the world?

Benedict Cumberbatch’s face. Do I hate it, or does it just make me deeply uncomfortable? I am not willing to do the soul-searching required to find out.

The Flashman books. My dad gave me one of these to read when I was like twelve and told me it was funny, and it is mostly about this douche who does a shitty job fighting in wars and then rapes people and cheats on other people? From what I remember? Anyways, I hated it.

Jedward. I would explain why in further detail but whenever I think about them I start shaking uncontrollably and crying forever  and  I just can’t. So, no. Okay?

I am out of chickpeas. I literally actually never thought this could happen. Send help. Just kidding! Send chickpeas.

Every single time I talk with my mom on the phone I end up hanging up with my cheek accidentally. Seriously every time. But only with her. Also at this point my mom is like 40% of my social life, so this is a problem. Here is what she gchatted to me tonight: “ok……i’m making tea.  call you in a few.  remember to keep your cheeks away from the touch screen!” How is this my life?

This isn’t something I hate but it is about Hoarders. If we’re being honest here, distinguishing “hate” from “all other emotions” is not my forte.

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Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Not giving a fuck what people think.  New life goal, cats and kittens.  But let me know if I go too far and turn into a total asshole, okay?

Risotto.  I will learn to make this.  And I’ll have a dinner party at which it’s served, possibly nestling some salmon or chickpeas in a fancy sauce, and everyone will tell me it tastes delicious even if it doesn’t.  And then, bridge!  Or something along those lines.  The men can drink brandy and the women can too, because this is the twenty-first-century and gendering food or drinks is dumb.  Alternatively, we can skip the brandy (as it tastes like licorice, I’ve been told) and drink whiskey with grapefruit, with sugar on the rims of our glasses.

The Feast of Love, Charles Baxter.  I bought this novel in a secondhand bookstore because Charles Baxter is supposed to be good and the title, while cheesy, sounded like something I would enjoy.  Spoiler alert: it was!  Way more than I expected!  The  story began wonderfully meta and went in places I didn’t really see coming.  Has some magical realism too, though (whew) not in the Like Water for Chocolate, “eat food and get really, really turned on by it” way you might expect.  (Sidenote: has anyone here seen or read Like Water for Chocolate?  A teacher of mine screened the movie for our high school Spanish class.  It was way awkward.  Particularly the shower-on-fire-oh-now-she’s-abducted-naked-by-a-vaquero scene.)

Fitz and the Tantrums, “MoneyGrabber.”  Heard this for the first time at the work party I threw last week.  Fitz and the Tantrums remind me of the Scissor Sisters, another band I really ought to listen to more of.  New life goal: give a fuck about the Scissor Sisters, and only the Scissor Sisters.  Oh, and Fitz and the Tantrums.  Oh, hell, let’s be real — I give a fuck about everything in this column.  Obvs.

Lord Tubbington.  Because how could I not??

The “Judas” video. OMFGBEIFYGQPTUWFVUTQFVJIWILLLEARNALLTHEMOVES.  !!!!1!!  ALL OF THE MOVES.

Burlesque.  So I heard about/ventured to an introductory workshop on the art of burlesque a few days ago, and suddenly I am watching videos of Miss Dirty Martini on YouTube and documentaries on the subject and checking out tuxedo underbust vests on Etsy.  (Re: vest — good idea? Bad idea?)  I came up with a stage name already, a character type, have started thinking of costuming… and I am still not particularly skilled at the performance part itself.  I’ve gotten a little ahead of myself, I think.  Picturing the spotlight before I have the stage, so on and so forth.  But we have to think big before we can get anywhere, right?  How can I become a sexy robot/librarian/luna moth without the intention?

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Stuff Rachel Suggests Having Feelings On

Hello team. I am not going to tell you about things I hate today because that takes a lot of energy and chances are you’ve all seen Grease before anyway. Instead, I am going to address the chances that you all are feeling somewhat Less Than 100% this weekend. There are a number of strategies for fixing that – positive thinking, muffins, skipping, etc – but I personally prefer the mixture of schadenfreude and guilt about your own feelings that is Other People’s Problems. So if you need to feel better by really wallowing in how badly other people have it, this is your bag! For instance:

+ You’re not dead.

+ It is highly statistically improbable that you have had to take your intoxicated and awful ex to get an emergency rectal exam!

+ Have you read Bastard Out Of Carolina yet? Maybe do that, and keep in mind that it is not actually fictional really!

+ And/or you could watch Tarnation which is streaming on Netflix. Chances are that while you may have had a mentally ill parent, been in foster care, been abused at a young age, been exposed to PCP laced with formaldehyde in your preteens, experienced depersonalization disorder, or been hospitalized multiple times before you were 18, you probably haven’t had all of them!

Ok are you done with all that? Then watch this, which Batia sent me and which is great. Have a good weekend kids!

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cinco de cinco

Hello friends! Happy Cinco de Mayo. I hope you were able to celebrate it traditionally, like I did – buying overpriced airport food, watching documentaries on mental illness, and painting your nails. In honor of this little-understood and over-sombrero’d Mexican military holiday, enjoy Heather and my’s thoughts on the new Lady Gaga video.

Heather: “Judas” was great

omg so good

me: agree

Heather: so much better than the “Born This Way” video!

also

also

i am going to learn ALL those moves

(all of the moves)

me: i know you are

Heather: 😀

wait

this video is only half the video

the full thing is like ten minutes. at least seven.

omg, just think of it

me: ALL OF THE THORNS

ALL OF THE BADASS EYELINER

Heather: ALL OF THE LIPSTICK GUNS

ALL OF THE SEXUALIZED WATER IMAGERY

me: she looks super thin though, i kept noticing

Heather: i know!!!

i thought the same thing in her last video

me: i mean she did in born this way too

Heather: right

it makes me a little nervous, actually. i don’t remember her being quite that thin in her old videos

me: i don’t know

i mean, she is still doing/making great stuff

i guess that’s the important thing

Heather: yeah

i guess

me: can we agree that video-jesus is way hotter than video-judas

Heather: oh definitely

for sure

i like that the disciples are bikers

me: i am a little confused by her bandana/veil situation

but the dancing was good i thought

Heather: mm

yeah!

the moves are great

me: lots of punching

Heather: mm

me: very spiritual

Heather: and heart-making

me: i am excited to imagine all the conservative religious hand-wringing

which i hope will occur

Heather: oh, for sure it will

ok, have to go put my eyeliner on and punch the air for a while! love you jesus! ❤

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come on over

Ok, so, you know how I feel about glee. (Namely: what?) But also, this video is fucking great, and I can enjoy it immensely without caring really very much about the context at all, except to reiterate that I still think it would have been really funny for my dark-haired friend and I to do “Landslide” at karaoke last week. Enjoy.

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friend indeed

what is the old saying? “ask and you shall receive?” or something about a door and a window? or an old woman and a fly? anyhow, sometime on Saturday night I was in a desperate place regarding a series of possibly-based-in-reality shows on TLC, and tweeted the following tweet:

And then, maybe sixish hours later, all my prayers were answered! Riese is a good friend and also what I believe they refer to as a “champ.”

Riese: i have some feelings about extreme couponing
  mainly i can’t stop thinking about it
  but it’s not like i want to watch all the episodes, i just want the show to ask the questions i desire answers to
  on the episodes
11:31 PM me: I just want everything for free
  I want to know how to do it
 Riese: what are they gonna do with all the paper towels though
11:32 PM like they keep acquiring more things
  do they use the things?
 me: The paper towels I get
 Riese: the mustard though
 me: but not like the mustard
  yeah
 Riese: right
 me: exactly
  anyways
 Riese: i just kept thinking they could sell me the mustrd
  for like 10 cents
  cuz i feel like they have too much mustard
11:33 PM me: Yeah, and the guy with all the toothpaste
  he will die before he uses it all
 Riese: right and then what
 me: but I would buy it!
11:34 PM Riese: and also do they have to get like 50 things of mustard in order to get them for free?
  also do they only eat processed foods? i’m worried for their children
 me: I don’t think so! I think its just like hoarding
 Riese: free hoarding
 me: very organized hoarding
11:35 PM ok
My IRL friend Bird also agreed to talk to me about hoarding I mean couponing, but since IRL conversations can’t be copy/pasted I will not repeat it here. Suffice to say we’re both really into Extra Care Bucks at CVS. Good work all around, team! Nice hustle! I still don’t have any free paper towels though.

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