1. heard a good joke (“So an untalented limbo competitor walks into a bar(re)”)
2. listened to Sage Francis
3. told a stranger in a bar about that time a poledancer, much to my surprise, flashed me
4. listened to Josh Lederman
5. told a hot dog vendor about the time I sold someone a Wiffle bat because, she said, her husband “liked to be beaten”
6. bought patterned tights
7. lost a swordfight
8. slowdanced with a stranger in a kitchen
9. won free three-month subscriptions to three ladymags, including the grandiose and absurd Cosmopolitan
10. built a heart from clockworks and glue
11. bought milk to replace my roommate’s, which I had used to make pasta sauce
12. launched a Kickstarter campaign for Broad!
Today I ate cherry salsa on cherry tortilla chips (???) and saw a dude drive by with his hand out the window, covered in a white handkerchief, shouting BOO! at passersby. Also there are no less than three “Oriental Health Spa” billboard advertisements on the stretch on 94 between Kzoo and Ann Arbor, and apparently around 3:35 this afternoon 88.3 FM was playing “Sitar Funk.” Only in Michigan, amirite ladies?
The funny thing about my body –– y’know, the one with the big ass and big tits you were eyeballing and the big everything else –– is that it belongs to me. (Who knew?) Which means that whatever I choose to put in it is my decision and no one else’s. If I decide I want to eat two Oreos a night for a few weeks because it’s the most cost-effective way to manage my chocolate intake, so be it. Even if I decide to throw caution to the wind and disregard the exorbitant “healthcare costs you’ll be paying later,” as you so eloquently phrased it, in favor of eating the whole fucking box tonight, that is my decision to make and mine alone. I could eat Oreos for breakfast if I wanted. A whole sleeve for afternoon tea! Because I’m a grown woman and what I put in my body is my own fucking business.
I went to the grocery store to get cereal, Oreos and a frozen pizza, not a lecture from you. So you can take your expensive coconut water and your road bicycle and shove it.
I have found
a totally heretofore undiscovered health foods store
it was on
vegan cream cheese was forty cents less than at the co-op
plus a 10% student discount
would otherwise probably
have gone to support
a local community-oriented store
with an active membership
it was perfect
and such an impressive bulk foods section
with respect to william carlos williams and batia’s kitchen curtain.