I know this is really fucking behind. I’m sorry, Heather has even written actual legitimate posts in between the time I was supposed to have written this and now. Don’t ask why I’m so late; I can’t even tell you.
Rain. Yesterday I turned to my roommates and said “If it rains again, I am going to kill myself.” They laughed uncomfortably and then told me it is supposed to rain all week. I have no working rain boots, no umbrella, and my windshield wipers are broken. I think this is where the kids would say “fml.”
Hipster motherfuckers who don’t tip You know who you are. BEARDED GUY. Don’t flatter yourself by thinking I flirted with you because I wanted to. I had my hand on the motherfucking tip jar, you useless human being. Take the hint.
Hamlet. Not necessarily even the play; just the dude. He was Harry Potter before Harry Potter was Harry Potter, amirite? “Blah blah blah my customary suits of solemn black, I know not “seems,” Mother, blah blah blah, I’m depressed.” Maybe you should have killed yourself during that soliloquy and saved me a bunch of reading, buddy.
Facebook invites All of them, forever
Costco I have many complicated and conflicting feelings about this place. They are, in no particular order: 1. Every store should be Costco. The economic recession would be over. I can never ever find a parking spot, ever. 2. They sell quinoa in bulk now for $10 for 4 pounds! So great! 3. Coscto turns people into animals. I almost witnessed a cart-rage incident at like 11 am. 4. It’s so hit-and-miss with the free samples. Sometimes it’s like “grilled queso with mango salsa!” or “delicious bread with bruschetta!” and sometimes it’s like “chickpeas covered in shit-colored sauce that doesn’t taste good.” 5. What do we think about their liquor section? y/n?
When your tofu freezes and gets fucked up Seriously, look at this:
Meme Roth Fuck that bitch. In an entirely figurative sense. In reality, you should not fuck her, ever. She’ll be all “no, I need to be on top, I burn more calories that way.”
Sabra Sun-dried Tomato Hummus Seriously, pine nut hummus 4 lyfe. This shit tastes weird.
IN OTHER NEWS, THIS MAN EXISTS. His photo is my favorite thing on the internet right now.