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little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?

Guys, I am having kind of a great week. I have no classes, because of the Jews, and so I have been back at my mom’s house in the humble town of my origins, sleeping in and doing laundry and learning about this Angelina Jolie character from the teevee. Sometimes, other people from the rotating cast of characters of the sitcom that is my life come by and help out – my brother, my boyfriend, Heather.

The other night Heather came over and, in between painting the town red and baking vegan goods, we watched To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. I had never seen this before, but while back at school I had planned to make this my Super-Gay Super Break – like, I also rented Itty Bitty Titty Committee, and thought about checking Tipping the Velvet out of the library. It did not disappoint. It was super, and also super gay. If I had thought of it, I would have live-blogged the historic event. I didn’t, so I will have to just share my feelings retrospectively.

  • Patrick Swayze oscillates between the best fashion sense ever (black-and-white skirt suit, say-something hat) and the worst (Glinda the Good Witch dress).
  • Wesley Snipes in the very first scene, when he has his makeup on but not his wig or clothes, looks remarkably attractive.
  • I really appreciate the way that three over-the-top queens are able to solve every single social ill within 48 hours in this small town. I mean, I guess homophobia makes sense, but also speech impediments?
  • As is maybe evident, the movie peaked for me at the “Little Latin boy in drag, why are you crying?” line. I don’t mean to speak ill of the rest of the movie; that was just a particularly excellent line.
  • My ass will never look as good as John Leguizamo’s circa 1995.
  • The rest of me probably won’t, either.
  • With the exception of the scene where he was in the white lace babydoll dress and those stupid garters. What the fuck was that?
  • Also, why wasn’t Chi Chi allowed to be, you know, a character? That everyone didn’t hate?
  • Help me out here, did that blond lady and the one black guy in town not totally hook up in that pickup truck? They did, right?
  • I don’t know who Julie Newmar is.
  • Vida Boheme is a great name. Noxeema is maybe the worst name ever. Chi Chi is the name of a Tex-Mex chain restaurant. Was Chi Chi supposed to be Mexican? I was thinking Puerto Rican, for some reason. Was that ever addressed?
  • Do homos hang out in flight attendant’s lounges? Is that true? Has anyone ever been in one? Does being a flight attendant pay well?
  • I really appreciated the Spartacus ending. I’ve never seen Spartacus. But I was very inspired anyways.

I could also talk for a while about problematic parts – say, the way that the white drag queen is the “classy” one while the other two look like they bought their clothes from the Limited Too with money stolen from someone’s purse, or the “Oh gosh thank goodness for those nice straight people!” bit at the end, but I would rather concentrate on how good John Leguizamo looked. So good, guys. That’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned; tomorrow I will hate stuff.

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