Tag Archives: the future is terrifying

hey there stranger

I am carefully avoiding looking at the calendar section that says how long it’s been since I wrote anything in here because I know it’s been a long time and I’m sorry. I have no reason not to be here; I actually sit in front of a computer between seven and infinity hours a day now, so this should be easy as pie. I don’t know; to be honest my new job is one of the least hard and least interesting things I have ever done, and somehow it has this effect where my head feels like it is full of cotton and the most complicated mental task I am capable of is online shopping. Is this what America is? If so, I don’t think I get it.

I keep having posts planned out, and some of them are even half written, but so far all of them have ended in me staring at them motionlessly for a while before clicking over to a different tab and eventually getting up to find tea or crackers or a handful of raisins. To be honest, I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. I can’t remember a time since the new year when I was able to think much beyond a handful of raisins. I also can’t think in a particularly focused or structured or Team Player way at work, which I keep feeling guilty about in a halfhearted way and then giving up. I doodle during conference calls and research haircuts if I don’t have an urgent assignment. Maybe writing that on the internet can get me fired. I don’t know! Here are my top 15 ways to waste corporate time.

  1. Browse eBay for things you can convince yourself you need
  2. Walk to the kitchenette to get more tea, walk back
  3. Repeat, walking the long way
  4. Read your RSS feed, avoiding the ‘not work appropriate’ blogs but thinking the IT people can probably see them anyway
  5. Walk through kitchenette to go the long way to the bathroom, check to see if any free food has appeared
  6. Start to write heartfelt and detailed emails about yourself/your life that you owe to loved one, stop because you wonder if the IT guy can read it
  7. Email your parents
  8. On conference calls: draw realistic pen sketches of boats or seashells on PostIts, make small pieces of origami
  9. Research new origami folds
  10. Write secret journal entries/story sketches in an actual physical notebook that the IT guy cannot read
  11. Figure out what groceries you need at the store on your way home, what you will eat that night
  12. Heat up the lunch you brought to work, eat it slowly, realize you still have a half hour of lunch left and don’t know what to do
  13. Open up the page where you can see what your paycheck will be this week, stare at the number
  14. Check on Amazon to see if there are any legwarmers or pastry bags or hoodies or notebooks on sale with free shipping
  15. Jiggle the mouse occasionally so that your boss doesn’t see your status in Outlook go from “active” to “idle”

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the future: it’s coming

Today in coffeeshop news: one of the baristas at Nearby Coffeeshop of Choice has a portafilter TATTOOED ON HER ARM. I’m throwing in the towel. This is too intense for me. YOU WIN, OTHER BARISTA.

In other news, I would like to highlight some exciting events taking place in the near future, in rough chronological order:

+ it will be my birthday soon! I had planned to write a whole post about things I want, in the hope that we have some secret crazed fan who will buy it for me, but actually I don’t want that much stuff and most of the things I do want are embarrassing (i.e. a knife sharpener, someone to repair my broken flip-flops.) I think what I mostly want is for that day at work to not suck, and there isn’t much that any of you can do about that.

+ it will be Batia’s birthday soon too! Also, Batia’s coming home! Batia, like Emma, shares the dual title of Rachel’s Roommate and Friend of the Blog. She is also a fellow Chickpea Enthusiast, Ranbir Kapoor Fan, and Dosa Connoisseur. I am excited to have her back, and also to eat dosa with her.

+ actually though around exactly the time that Batia comes back/turns 22, I am going to visit my dad for like 4 days. So get ready for that. Jesus God.

+ someday Emma and I are going to watch My So-Called Life, which is an apparently formative experience that neither of us have ever had. I am excited about this. I don’t ask for much.

+ because Sarah apparently has life plans outside of copyediting articles on Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, I am going to be relatively higher on the hierarchy of unpaid leadership excellence at autostraddle soon. This is terrifying but presumably there are many intangible benefits, like getting snarky emails from people involved with the production of The Real L Word, and forcing Sarah to endure panicked gchats late at night.

So yeah, this is kind of a shitty post, but mostly I am here to apologize for the lack of real posts lately, and to express my vague optimism that the situation might improve in the near future. I think maybe Heather and I are both kind of ground to a pulp by the monotony of living with parents and making “babycinos” for $9 an hour respectively, and that lately all we’ve felt up to is morosely browsing Craigslist. If we’re being completely honest. BUT I hear they have pills for that now, so get excited! It’s all going to be fun and games from here on out. Like Sorry. That’s a game.

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