hello children. I have returned from New York City and my number one feeling is that I will be tired forever. On the other hand I paid three bills before lunch today, so maybe I’m doing better than I thought. I thought about writing a list of things I hate but I sounded so whiny and dumb that even I hated me, so that’s just not happening this week. Here are things that are happening this week:
- Emma moves in on Wednesday! Omfg! Girl!
- Monsterball on Thursday! Heather already has an outfit. Obviously. I do not. Also obviously.
- Also on Thursday – the beginning of Vegan July! I am considering buying vegan cream cheese to celebrate. Am also considering trying to make someone else eat the rest of the cheese in my fridge.
- A kitten? I think? Emma “is in correspondence with someone on Petfinder,” but I am unclear as to the kitten timeline. You can ask Emma for clarification.
- A trip to IKEA, I think? I have never been to IKEA, but I looked at their website today and felt intimidated by the Swedish words. Also the fact that everything there costs money. Emma tells me they will move stuff for free though? I don’t know, all I know about Sweden is Jonas, and I miss him a lot. If anyone in IKEA has a beard I may just start crying in the middle of the store.
- I am going to go back home to my mom’s house and feed her cat, because this weekend is her birthday and she is being lavished with attention by her international gentleman caller. (true.) Here is an excerpt from her housesitting instruction: “there is lentil casserole in freezer with recipe on top. this is great with sour cream (sorry, i ate all the sour cream).”
Are you excited? I’m excited. I think we are moving to a new daily fix style on Autostraddle, and probably pictures of me drunk will be released on the internet later this week. I’m excited about both those things, so excited that I think I might need to take a nap.
Rodeo Disco 2. Readers in the NYC area: get off the computer and go to this party tomorrow! My colleague/BFFL Rachel will be there, as will at least half of Autostraddle, probably all of Autostraddle. Also, one of the DJs goes by DJ Saratonin. (Pardon me, chortling break: Ho ho! Ha ha ha!) “Saratonin” would totally be my DJ name if A) it weren’t taken, B) I knew how to DJ and C) my name were Sara(h).
Nerve’s Internet-wide collection of recut movie trailers. How did YouTube user Skitch1 possibly make Saving Private Ryan into a comedy? But s/he did, s/he did. It’s all in the music, you guys.
Tonight, Franz Ferdinand. Why did I ever stop listening to Franz Ferdinand? Clearly, my tenth-grade backwards-Tshirt-wearing self knew what was up. FRANZ FERDINAND ARE THE GREATEST, ROCK ON 4 LYFE*
I really want to start using homemade beauty remedies. And Jezebel posted about this very subject on Monday! Oh frabjous day! I’ve already begun using olive oil as makeup remover, and after I go to the grocery store tomorrow I’ll start trying everything else. Anyone else with me? It will be like Vegan July, but for our face/hair/skin and not actually vegan, as there is a lot of honey involved (and eggs, in one recipe, but I am not brave enough to slather my face in egg). Maybe we can call it All-Natural July? Face Food July? Open to suggestions. These names are terrible.
Tavi Gevinson guesting on Jezebel. For a fourteen-year-old, the Girlblogger Extraordinaire is unbelievably grown-up and thoughtful! Far smarter and saavier than I ever was. Hell, probably saavier than I am now. I can’t wait to see where she is in a few years.
*Obviously “4 lyfe” is a joke, but seeing it there onscreen in front of me makes my eyes want to bleed. Pardon me, my spelling snobbery is showing.
Really, dude? Is this a joke?
This ad is so problematic that I don’t even know what to do. But the most galling, for me — aside from the obvious — is this man’s insistence that his mistress meet all of his criteria, physical and otherwise, but as far as his suitability for her he basically says, “Beggars can’t be choosers.” He must have an ego the size of Montana.
(Note: There was a third, final paragraph to this ad, which I cut out due to its undergraduate-conclusion-esque summary of its intentions.)
My goodness but today has been A Big Day. First I had a very enjoyable hipster date with Andrew, where we:
- sat in a cafe and talked about being unemployed
- went to American Apparel and punk’d an employee while admiring all the clothing
- went thrifting, bought an ungodly amount of ugly sweaters
- sat in another coffee shop and talked about film theory
- sat on my patio and traded stories about people we hated in past writing workshops
I also accomplished many Adult Activities like remembering to take out my trash and paying my credit card bill. Then I went back to ANOTHER COFFEE SHOP in order to “send out my work” like “a real writer,” a process which is extremely disproportionately exhausting. I coaxed myself through it by telling myself that if I submitted to the Boston Review, Junot Diaz would be made aware of my existence, even if only for the second that he scrolled through the inbox. I also managed to send an email about one ad in the Craigslist’s “writing gigs,” section, which will never be responded to.
Tomorrow I am going to work at 7 am (!!!) and later boarding a bus to New York City, while hopefully someone else who writes things about Lindsay Lohan for lesbians on the internet will meet me and then get me drunk. Wish me luck!
They are not afraid of me anymore. And what’s becoming clearer is that they are in adorable amphibious love. Like those otters from the infamous YouTube video, they actually hold hands in the water –– several times a day –– and oftentimes, simultaneously, will float facing each other so their noses touch. So cute! I thought. Sir Humphrey and Lady Em –– Emma and Emma –– they are total gaymos* in love! (Because why would Brookstone send me frogs with the ability to mate?) SOOOO CUTE! At which point I did some research to find out what sex they were.
Guess what? Yeah, you know what: Sir Humphrey is totally a female. And Lady Em is quite clearly a male. (I checked half a dozen websites just to make sure.) Does anyone know if you can neuter African dwarf frogs? They’re so little, I’m afraid the neuterer would scalpel them in half.
*Vocabulary temporarily borrowed, with love & respect, from Autostraddle.