I have so many feelings right now, and all of them are terrible.
sorry i am doing a shitty job writing in you. i have genuinely had a lot of feelings i wanted to share with you – like about shopping with my mom, and how many chickpeas are in my fridge right now, and our crazy/beautiful Uzbeki realtor who Batia is going to invite to my thesis reading, and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK MY THESIS. it is due in less than 48 hours, though, so right now the only feeling i am capable of having is “thesis.” after that, my feelings will consist of “final paper” and “three day long foreign language exam.” do not fear that you are missing out by not hearing about these feelings in detail. after that, though, i will return to you, blog, and our reunion will make the stars weep and the heavens rejoice.
For obvious reasons.
And this too: Kate Beaton, I really like you! Let’s be Internet friends.
The Madonna episode of Glee. Gleeful indeed! Good try tackling the patriarchy, McKinley High. You even made me like “Like a Virgin” while you were at it, and that takes serious effort. (Also, here’s the video of “Like a Prayer,” just because it’s Friday and “Like a Prayer” is obvs the best Madonna song evar.)
On a related note, Glee released an iPhone/iPod Touch app this week, which I bought because I am a sucker. You can sing along with their recordings and the app will Autotune you! You can listen to other people singing/being Autotuned! Haha, so funny and awesome! Until I tried doing “Somebody to Love” and discovered I am so bad at singing, apparently, that I have to be Autotuned almost the ENTIRE TIME. I feel like one of those American Idol contestants who don’t know they’re hideous because no one is brave enough to tell them.
Kate Harding wrote a post about Sady Doyle writing a post, which has to do with women internalizing patriarchy by constantly acting apologetic/self-deprecating about things they are actually really good at. An activity, I realize, that Rachel and I engage in quite often. However! Sady and Kate have a point –– why do we act as if other people are the only ones allowed to believe in us? Or to judge our worth, period? I have a memory coming on in which Thirteen-Year-Old Heather tries to hide her social studies test in her desk because everyone sitting in her cluster got Cs and she got an A, but then Another Thirteen-Year-Old (whom shall go nameless) notices and asks pointedly what Heather got, at which point TYO Heather has to tell them the truth, omigosh so embarrassing, and everyone scoffs because TYO Heather is obviously stupid for not shoving that A in their faces, and also, social studies is lame so screw that girl. If I had a time travel remote, I would go back in time and tell her this: Stop putting things in your desk! Jiminy Cricket, Heather, you are not a freak, and so what if you are? Embrace it! You are smart and nice and not hideous, and you know what? You will grow up to be Heather from Heather and Rachel Have motherfucking Feelings, and that is pretty swell.
I think that’s all. Oh, wait. Did I mention I am pretty much done with my thesis? YEAH, YOU HEARD RIGHT. 37,008 words. 131 pages. 7 stories. And 1 bibliography paper I still have to write.
things i did today:
i feel like i need a week’s vacation.
Guys, Rachel got her post up before mine this week. Can we get a WHAT-WHAT for the girl?
Guster. I forgot how much I liked them until I went to see them recently. Spoiler alert: I like them a lot! I missed their peppy music while they were off becoming dads and growing interesting facial hair. (We were in the back, but I’m pretty sure the Thundergod grew a handlebar mustache.) Apparently I did not miss them as much as the guy next to us, however, who yelled “YEAHHH GUSSSSSSTER!!!” during almost every break between songs. No joke –– I started counting each time he didn’t yell and only got to four.
My friend the Graduate has parlayed her love of literature into a soapmaking business! I am going to buy SO MANY. I really want the Dante’s Inferno one, but it’s got a touch of pine in it and I hate the scent of pine. Ah, woe! I feel like I’m lost in a dark wood, you guys. (See what I did there?) A dark wood of feeling indecisive over what soap to buy. So essentially, like I’m in Bath and Body Works.
I had coffee with a prof this week and it was really nice! I had a great time during the actual conversation and felt wonderful until about five minutes after he left, when I started to worry that I talked too much about myself. Then for the rest of the afternoon I regretted everything I’d said. It was not unlike a social reincarnation of Tuesday lunchtime, when I decided cafeteria sushi was a good idea and felt all sophisticated eating it. But! Point being, my prof is awesome.
Watching someone’s hands as s/he plays piano. It gives me a mental image of spiders engaging in a joyous dance-off in the middle of a park on a sunny day.
Some of the spam comments we get. Thank you for asking if we know how to solve the recession, but I’m pretty sure we don’t. Nor do we have helpful information for veterinary school, “How-to-become-a-Vetnarian.” But on the bright side, getting your arm stuck in a boxspring because you’re trying to retrieve your phone is apparently trendy these days!
The TA for my discussion section has an annoying speech mannerism where he says “right?” after each clause. He is not British. I counted, and yesterday in the hour between 12:30 and 1:30 he said it over 100 times. I thought tag-up questions were supposed to be a “feminine” characteristic.
I really miss my brother. I tried to think of more to say about that but I can’t. I want to watch The Carter Documentary with him and order a Mediterranean Calzone. That is all.
I’ve never seen Sixteen Candles I kind of hate that about myself. I’ve also never seen Ghost World, which means I am incapable of fully understanding Emma as a human being.
Things are rapidly deteriorating between me and my computer. It’s like we’re at that point in the relationship where we both know we want to break up and kind of actually hate each other, but want to force the other person to do it, so we do passive-aggressive things like eating croissants in bed to leave annoying crumbs or leaving our recently reactivated JDate profile up on the computer screen when we leave the room. I got three blue screens of death in 45 minutes today. Specifically, I got them while I was using the computer to look up recipes I was in the middle of making. You’re a total dick, computer, and I am going to replace you in approximately five weeks.
In related news, I can’t decide if I should get a netbook They’re at that weird marginal price where it’s not a debilitatingly expensive purchase, and so I could conceivably justify it to myself. $275? That’s like one slightly overboard shopping trip at Urban Outfitters. But at the same time, I keep asking myself if this is something I “need,” and truthfully I do not “need” it as much as I “need” to “pay off my student loans,” which are “staggering.” Then again, I did not “need” the pintucked cotton shirts I just bought myself in case I ever “got a job” and had to wear something “nice.” Why am I using so many scare quotes? More importantly, why is this such a difficult decision to make?
Inscrutable comments from my advisor. My dad has a recurring dream about having forgotten to finish dropping a class in college, and having to take the final exam even though he hasn’t been to a single lecture because he thought he was unenrolled. I think I am going to have recurring dreams for the rest of my life about my advisor giving me compliments that are so incredibly tepid I cannot help but think they are actually insults. Like this, the final comment on 115 pages he just read, the culmination of about a year’s worth of work: “… you decided to take on a very ambitious project here and you wrote it all in a remarkably short period of time.” Would it kill him to say “and you did a good job because the work itself is very impressive?” BECAUSE IT’S KILLING ME.
I don’t watch GLEE, you guys This is kind of how I feel about LOST, too. Like, I have already been more or less forced to absorb all the details and plot twists of this show through osmosis because every single person on Earth is talking about it, but you’re pushing it when you expect me to act like it matters to me in conversation. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it.
I just looked through the list I made over winter break – that was in December, over four months ago – of books I wanted to read. Out of 18, I have read one. And I think the one was in December. I hate this so much. I mostly blame senior year/thesis, but then I worry that the entire rest of my life is also going to be like this semester, and I will not have time to read anything more challenging than blog posts complaining about the iPad until I retire. I realize I sound like a brat, but I thought one of the perks of being an overeducated privileged white elitist kid was having time to read The House of Leaves. Someone has some explaining to do.