Monthly Archives: November 2010

#truestory

Guys, remember when MTV’s True Life was hard-hitting and kind of a serious documentary series?  I miss those days.

Nevertheless, here’s a list of specials I would totally watch if I were flipping channels and these were real:

  • True Life: I Used the Wrong Toothbrush and Now Have Oral Cancer
  • True Life: I Want to be Sparkle Beach Skipper
  • True Life: I Live-Tweeted my Childbirth and Severely Regret It (note: “childbirth” may be subbed for something like “horrific sexual encounters” or “criminal court proceedings”)
  • True Life: I Am Neil Gaiman
  • True Life: I Am an Evil Giraffe
  • True Life: I’m Allergic to Everything in the World, Ever
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Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Yes, we’re back!  Or at least I am.  Rachel is out in real life somewhere sleeping/drinking tea/applying to grad school/Autostraddling.  Those are the things I imagine Rachel doing when she is not being a barista.

All right then.  Onto business.

Today is my day off! (Kind of!) As I’ve been selling things or ringing up things every day for the past two weeks, having a day off feels like Christmas.  More than Christmas will feel like Christmas, I expect, since I’ll probs have to work on the Eve and the day after.  I have an article due tomorrow morning for my newspaper gig and I’ve spent the morning doing research, so technically my day isn’t work-free –– I have to call sources and write it up later, not to mention NaNo –– but the Sister Figure should be showing up any time now to go to a movie and/or shoe browse with me.  I AM READY.

The ladies at [clothing store] gave me a nickname! In my brief career I have held… eleven jobs?  And not once have I been given a nickname by a coworker.  Even at [other retail giant], where my supervisor gives everyone a nickname –– Grandpa, Paris, et cetera –– I don’t have one.  They don’t seem to stick to me.  But my friends at [clothing store] have dubbed me “Barbara Bush” because, fashionwise, “You should be married to a president.”  I was going for a hot librarian kind of look, but I’ll take it.

Johnny Weir is a judge on Skating with the Stars. This means that despite the presence of “star” Bethenny Frankel, I now feel obligated to watch the show.

Market Basket. You guys, I went to one of these the other day and it is SO MUCH CHEAPER than where I usually buy groceries!  It costs three dollars to buy tahini!  Three.  Dollars.  The only reason I had never tried to make hummus, before this week, was because tahini cost eight at my usual grocery store.  Now I have made hummus.  It is glorious.  I will shop at Market Basket forever, or at least until I move out of my parents’.

Similarly, I love my food processor. It is tiny and cute and gets the job done.  Part of me wants to pat it on the lid after I cook and say, in a terrible impersonation of James Cromwell, “That’ll do, processor.  That’ll do.”

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brb

hi

sorry

i hate stuff

heather loves stuff

we are both thankful for stuff, including but not limited to you.

we will write blog posts again when we are not so exhausted/poor/overworked/the literal embodiment of this image

just kidding, that will never happen, but we’ll write blog posts again soon

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i said REJOICE

There are not many holidays or observances that we take seriously at HRHF headquarters, but today is one of them: IT IS HEATHER’S BIRTHDAY. She is older, but still the same badass motherfucker she always has been. I urge you to celebrate this occasion as is customary in your place or culture of origin, or by:

  • leaving a comment
  • delurking
  • writing her a limerick
  • linking us to an infographic you made of Heather’s best qualities
  • animal sacrifice (just kidding Heather!)
  • sending a huge paypal donation to heathernrachel [at] gmail [dot] com
  • drawing a picture of her as a superhero or Glee character
  • baking a cake and enjoying it immensely yourself
  • getting a tattoo of her face

 

I promise you all these efforts on your part will be received warmly and enthusiastically, as Heather is a kind and benevolent soul who is beloved by children and domesticated livestock and I love her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER. Go forth and conquer.

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Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Someone made a family of homeless Sims in The Sims 3.  Then that person documented the Sims’ lives in a blog. Even as a Sims fan, I didn’t expect much from this blog aside from personal amusement –– but the two characters and their problems are actually quite affecting/heartbreaking.  There’s also a page devoted to information about and links to various charity orgs, if you’re inclined to donate.

“That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!” by Sufjan Stevens. Not only do I work at two different retail stores, but the project I’m working on for NaNoWriMo is set at Christmastime, which effectively requires me to listen to holiday music every hour of the day.*  When I can’t take the jollity anymore, I click on this song.  It’s quiet and spookily depressing and oddly, cheers me up quite a bit.

GRAEME TAYLOR! Obvs.

I’m sure you’ve all heard about this but: Baz Luhrmann’s making an adaptation of Gatsby starring Carey Mulligan as Daisy. Giving me exactly one reason to like Daisy. (#daisybuchananistheworst)

And now for the obligatory Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows coverage:

Autostraddle wrote a piece about Harry Potter, and Rachel helped! Harry Potter, I am not a lesbian, but I love you too.  I love you enough that in seventh grade, when my best friend went as Hermione Granger for Halloween –– thus making it impossible, in the unspoken rules of our friendship, for me to go as Hermione Granger –– I went as a female Harry Potter, though every adult handing out candy in the local community seemed to find it weird.  I love you so much that the following year, I won an official Sorcerer’s Stone film poster because I was the only kid in Mr. [Redacted]’s four English classes to get a perfect score on a Harry Potter trivia quiz.

Merlin’s pants, the first installment of Deathly Hallows is a great movie. The Doctor and I went to Thursday’s midnight showing and agreed it’s our favorite of the films.  Admittedly, I have a history of declaring each HP movie (as well as each HP book) my favorite as soon as it opens; however, this one avoids the problem I generally have with HP movies, which is that I love it until the last ten minutes, when the filmmakers inevitably leave out something mega important.  (Dumbledore’s funeral comes to mind.)  But Deathly Hallows Part 1, but virtue of being part 1, ends partway through the book!  So the writers don’t cut out any important information!  Also, Rupert Grint got hot.  Which leads me to

Ron Weasley. If I had one unattainable dream in middle school, it was that Hogwarts was a real school and McGonagall had just handed my acceptance letter to an owl.  If I had a second unattainable dream, it was that Ron Weasley was a real person who would leave Hermione to Krum because he had met me.  Oh, be still my heart.

*When I write, I feel like I have to put on music thematically appropriate for the story.  For NaNo, I’ve been playing a lot of holiday stuff, crappy pop music, and Tegan & Sara.

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an open letter to the writers of Glee

Dear Glee writers,

Last night’s episode had some really solid musical numbers.  Rihanna’s “Umbrella” mashed with the title song of Singin’ in the Rain?  Why, only Gene Kelly himself could have made me happier.  I thought I could not enjoy your musical numbers more after Rachel Berry and Gwyneth Paltrow did “Nowadays” from Chicago, replete with shot-for-shot references to the film adaptation a few years ago. And Paltrow dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln?  The historian heart in me skipped a beat!

But can we talk about the tater tots subplot with Mercedes?  As much as I appreciate tater tots in and of themselves –– those things are delicious –– this storyline made me cringe.  When Sue Sylvester looked out into the hall and spied fat teenage girls (and they were all girls, I noted) eating chocolate and hamburgers, my mother and I watching immediately said, “Oh no” in unison.  Actually in unison.  Do you realize how tired the “fat people eat their feelings” stereotype is?  The only time that was funny was in Mean Girls, when Janis Ian mapped out the cafeteria.  Although I did appreciate that you raised the issue of Mercedes being the only glee member who has yet to be given a legit love interest on the show, and further appreciated it when Mercedes called out Kurt for setting her up with Anthony more or less because they’re both black.

But I digress.  Call me, Ryan Murphy, or call Marianne Kirby or someone, if you ever want to write about being a fat girl in high school.  Because last night’s episode made me think of the one last season where the big, bespectacled girl in Sue Sylvester’s Future Spinster Society (or whatever it was called) confessed to making out with her cat on Saturday nights.

Kthx!
Heather

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an open letter to a certain tech company

Dear [redacted],

When I purchased your external hard drive last month, it was with the intent to ease the minds of my parents, who were freaking out that all their stuff would be lost once they set up their new computer.  The external I bought was slick-looking, small, portable, and promised The Best Backup Job Ever Ever EVAR.  At 750 gigs, I figured, I could not go wrong!

Oh, how naive I was.

Now that I have uploaded my parents’ beloved documents, mp3s of Kansas songs and whatnot onto your external hard drive, I find that I cannot move those files to the new computer.  The purportedly-simple file restore you offer refuses to comply with my meager demand.  “Here!” I said (and continue to say) to your small, infernal machine. “Right here in front of my MOTHERLOVING EYES onscreen –– here are the backup files you so generously kept aside for me!  Will you restore them onto this computer, so my parents may enjoy their Kansas and photographs of Christmas Past?  Will you do this for me, my friend, so I may avoid great parental fear and waving of the arms while shouting in panic?”  It’s not an unreasonable request.  But what did your external drive do then?  Why, it brought up a window saying that as it could not open a file correctly, the restore had failed.  Again.

I’m going to come right out and say it: your computer products are shitty.  You should have stuck with making televisions.

Sincerely,
Heather

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