Tag Archives: ugh

an open letter to the concern troll behind me in line at the grocery store

Dear Sir:

The funny thing about my body –– y’know, the one with the big ass and big tits you were eyeballing and the big everything else –– is that it belongs to me.  (Who knew?)  Which means that whatever I choose to put in it is my decision and no one else’s.  If I decide I want to eat two Oreos a night for a few weeks because it’s the most cost-effective way to manage my chocolate intake, so be it.  Even if I decide to throw caution to the wind and disregard the exorbitant “healthcare costs you’ll be paying later,” as you so eloquently phrased it, in favor of eating the whole fucking box tonight, that is my decision to make and mine alone.  I could eat Oreos for breakfast if I wanted.  A whole sleeve for afternoon tea!  Because I’m a grown woman and what I put in my body is my own fucking business.

I went to the grocery store to get cereal, Oreos and a frozen pizza, not a lecture from you.  So you can take your expensive coconut water and your road bicycle and shove it.

Best,
Heather

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an open letter to the writers of Glee

Dear Glee writers,

Last night’s episode had some really solid musical numbers.  Rihanna’s “Umbrella” mashed with the title song of Singin’ in the Rain?  Why, only Gene Kelly himself could have made me happier.  I thought I could not enjoy your musical numbers more after Rachel Berry and Gwyneth Paltrow did “Nowadays” from Chicago, replete with shot-for-shot references to the film adaptation a few years ago. And Paltrow dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln?  The historian heart in me skipped a beat!

But can we talk about the tater tots subplot with Mercedes?  As much as I appreciate tater tots in and of themselves –– those things are delicious –– this storyline made me cringe.  When Sue Sylvester looked out into the hall and spied fat teenage girls (and they were all girls, I noted) eating chocolate and hamburgers, my mother and I watching immediately said, “Oh no” in unison.  Actually in unison.  Do you realize how tired the “fat people eat their feelings” stereotype is?  The only time that was funny was in Mean Girls, when Janis Ian mapped out the cafeteria.  Although I did appreciate that you raised the issue of Mercedes being the only glee member who has yet to be given a legit love interest on the show, and further appreciated it when Mercedes called out Kurt for setting her up with Anthony more or less because they’re both black.

But I digress.  Call me, Ryan Murphy, or call Marianne Kirby or someone, if you ever want to write about being a fat girl in high school.  Because last night’s episode made me think of the one last season where the big, bespectacled girl in Sue Sylvester’s Future Spinster Society (or whatever it was called) confessed to making out with her cat on Saturday nights.

Kthx!
Heather

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an open letter to my debtors

Dear [redacted],

I think I might dislike the first-grade-teacher voice of your “speak into the phone!” computer system even more than a standard automaton.  Also, you should really make it simpler for someone to find your phone number, instead of hiding it in a matryoshka of related websites.

Thanks,
Heather

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