Monthly Archives: April 2011

Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

THE WORST

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the royal liveblog

Background information: I did not give a whit — not even a whit! — about the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate-n0w-Catherine Middleton until sometime on Wednesday, when it occurred to me that it was a Big Cultural and Historical Event and as a journalist, I should document the incident.  Naturally, I have turned to liveblogging as my journalistic outlet.  (You’re welcome.)

4:45 Blerrrrrrrrgh

4:50 Wake up or you will miss the whole thing.

4:52 Open laptop.  Eyes feel as if they’re been coated in laudanum.

5:00 Livestream begins on YT!  No one outside palace.

5:03 Ladies entering Westminster in fabulous hats.  Men follow them, dazed by the floating constructions on their dates’ heads.

5:04  Srsly, is every woman here wearing a crazy, oversized hat?  And where do I get one?

5:05  People cheering outside the Abbey.  I believe the Camerons have arrived?  Weird to see a red carpet rolled out from the Abbey doors.  This is not Leicester Square!  Nice dress on Mrs. Cameron.  Teal sheath!

5:06 Elton John in audience, looking way pumped!  He is like, let’s get this party started.  Where is Pink when you need her, amirite?

5:08 Elton John looks so fucking bored.

5:09 The Beckhams also look bored.  Posh is wearing a fabulous hat that puts forth an argument for pillbox-bird nest copulation and David looks like a sorry approximation of Dorian Gray in that shitty remake I watched last night.

5:10  Oh, crap, I forgot to read the programme!  I meant to do research on this yesterday.  So much for being the Georgia O’Keeffe of secondary research.

5:12  Foggy day in London town.  UGH LONDON I MISS YOU

5:13  They need to make a “City, I Love You” movie about London already.  Let’s go, filmmakers.  Let’s get this in production.

5:14  Amidst the cheering crowds outside the Abbey, there’s one dude in the middle who looks absolutely pissed to be there.  Everyone’s waving their Union Jacks and yelling and he’s scowling.  So far, he’s the most interesting part of the livestream.  Embittered journalist?  Ex-love of a royal?  Theories in the comments.

5:18 Whitehall!  Horse Guards!!  Also, some important people (royals already?) in a town car.

5:19  Oh man, that’s Wills in the town car!  And maybe Harry.  I saw them step out of a town car in real life once, you know, and got a good look at the side of Wills’ head for about five minutes.  I know, it’s a great story.  Thank you for saying so.  You’re right, I should write a memoir just to include that story in it.  And oh man, you haven’t even heard about the time I saw Princess Beatrice’s buttcrack!

5:21 Wills and Harry have emerged from town car, are talking and smiling to each other as they walk into abbey.  Like they’re ordinary, not-famous brothers going into a wedding!  How nice.

5:22  On a related note, Prince William looks about to throw up from nerves.

5:23  I LOVE WESTMINSTER ABBEY.  That is all.

5:24  Somewhere in the hall of the abbey, someone is sitting on the grave of Isaac Newton.  Someone else is sitting on the grave of Charles Darwin.

5:28  Lull in the action, which I am going to take to tell you about the time I saw Princess Beatrice’s buttcrack.  She showed up with her mom the Duchess of York and her sister Princess Eugenie to a movie premiere I was standing witness to in Leicester Square, and having been waiting there all afternoon, I was right against the crowd barrier where the celebrities got out of their cars.  Apparently Beatrice thought it appropriate to wear a strapless purple sheath that barely covered her vagina (and not quite, as everyone discovered, her ass).  More power to her, but I was like, “Girl, that will be in ALL THE PAPERS.”

5:34 Someone important must be here, as the camera is trained in a long shot on this couple.  Pippa Middleton?  But Pippa would be arriving with Kate — sorry, Catherine — no?

5:36  Not Pippa.  Definitely not Pippa.  Mother of the bride, maybe?  And a much younger man as her consort?  Maybe Kate/Catherine has a brother I do not know about.

5:37  Hey, I still have wine left in the glass from last night!

5:38  Blerrgh, it tastes like vinegar!

5:39  I like that they built the red carpet around the Grave of the Unknown Soldier.  That is classy and respectful.  I would expect nothing less.

5:41  So much cheering!  But William and Harry are already here.  I’m confused.  Wait, the Queen must not be present.

5:43  Whitehall! Horse Guards!

5:44 THE QUEEN IS HERE.  THE QUEEN IS HERE IN A YELLOW ENSEMBLE WITH SMALL MATCHING TOP HAT.  (You read it here first.)

5:45  Actually, the Queen is riding around the streets of London.  One might say she’s in love with her car.

5:46  Prince Charles and Camilla have arrived.

5:50  All this liveblogging makes me want to watch The Queen.  Or write an academic essay on the juxtaposition of Americanness with royalty in The Princess Diaries. (“How might one reconcile the very American ideas of individualism and self-making with the traditional European beliefs of born privilege and divine right?  How might this reconciliation be accommodated by someone who discovers their royalty partway through life, and is Mia’s capacity for adaptation –– ‘princess-dom,’ let’s say –– affected by her incipient adolescence?”)

5:55 The Queen looks so excited!  Sometimes you forget she’s a grandma, you know?  In other news, my phone has dinged with an alert.  I bet it’s from Emma.

5:56  KATE, I MEAN CATHERINE, IS HERE.  She has a veil over her head while she’s in the car.  What does the dress look like?  Let’s all bite our nails in anticipation.

5:58  Oh, the alert is an email from Groupon.  Groupon, now is not the time!

5:59  Here’s Pippa with the multiple flower girls and ringbearers.  So cute!  The ringbearers have tiny replicas of William’s uniform.

6:00  God, it must feel weird to know your wedding is being livestreamed on Youtube.

6:01  The stream has forzen.  The stream has frozen!  Bloody hell!

6:01:33  Whew, crisis averted.  We almost missed the big dress reveal, you guys.  Deep breaths.

6:04  It did not occur to me until just now how ridiculous wedding dresses are.  I mean, Kate’s is beautiful — long lace sleeves, sweetheart neckline, A-line skirt, not-too-absurdly-long train — but as a phenomenon, the wedding dress and its stipulations are kind of absurd, no?

6:06  Kate tries to appear demure for the cameras but is too excited and keeps breaking into a big smile.

6:08 @ClarenceHouse has just tweeted that the dress was designed by Sarah Burton at Alexander McQueen.  So now we know.

6:09  Walking down the aisle time!

6:09  I thought flower girls and bridesmaids walked ahead of the bride.  Right?  To break the ice, as it were.  Do they do things differently in the C of E, or is this just for royal protocol?

6:10  Oh, the Quire!  Oh, all the choral voices!

6:11 At quire altar, Wills and Kate whispering to each other, grinning.  Oh, how cute.  Go on, you two.

6:12  Livestream froze again.  Seriously?

6:12:33  Whew.

6:13  Everyone in attendance singing hymns, even the merry couple.  One attendee, in a purple hat, clearly does not know the words to the hymn/is faking it.

6:15  Hymn goes on.  But more to the point, about the abundance of hats at this wedding –– they are in Westminster Abbey.  A church built in 1100 and containing the luminaries of British history.  Should they not remove their hats?

6:16  Dean of Westminster talking and I am missing it because I’m going on about hats.

6:17  Oh, well, he’s only listing the reasons for marriage anyway.  First being “the increase of mankind,” according to God’s will.  I wonder how attendee Sir Elton John and his partner David Furnish feel about this.

6:18  Vows!  That was fast.

6:19  Just realized I have never heard Prince William’s voice before.  Nor any of the royals’.  Somehow this feels shocking to me, given our media-heavy culture.  I mean, there was an Oscar-winning movie made about the royals dealing with aural media.

6:21  Officiant is blessing the ring, which seems sweet.  Then “with this I thee wed,” and the “joining of hands,” which consists of the officiant wrapping a golden sash around their clasped hands.

6:24 And now they’re married!  Mazel tov, William and Catherine!

6:24  Now another hymn.  But no kissing of the bride?  Really?  I suppose it’s not dignified enough for the monarchy.

6:29  Time for James Middleton to do a reading from Romans: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.  Live in harmony with one another.”

6:31 The Westminster chorus sing an anthem specially commissioned for the wedding; it sounds like everything good about Christmas.  I’d download their CD, is all I’m saying.

6:34  Meanwhile, on a common city street in the American Northeast, the sun is shining.  I missed its rising, but all clues indicate today will be very springy.  And it’s Casual Friday!  Hurrah!

6:36  “‘Be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.’  So said Catherine of Siena, whose festival day is today.”

6:37  Obligatory Jesus reference.  Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for them to allude to Jesus specifically (aside from standard God references), but hey, I’m an American Catholic.

6:39  I pity all of you who might read this long, slogging post.

6:40  A Chaucer reference!  Chaucer, of course, being buried in right behind the Quire in Poet’s Corner.  I like how often Chaucer is cited in religious situations, given his marked dislike of the church.

6:42  Idea: What Would Chaucer Do? bracelets.  There’s an entire market of literature nerds whose needs have yet to be exploited.

6:44  Okay, now I grow sleepy?  In fifty minutes I will be readying myself for work.

6:49  Let us pray.  Let me nap.

6:50 Kneeling seems to be very prevalent in this ceremony.  I do not remember so much kneeling in the one C of E service I attended, but what do I know.

6:52  More hymns. Stream cutting out, as music too well-composed to be allowed on YouTube.  @ClarenceHouse says Prince William and Catherine have written their own prayer to be read.  Here are the words to it!

6:57  Everyone at Westminster is busy singing a British anthem except for the Queen, who seems very resolute on that point.  I wonder whether this is protocol, or she just does not enjoy singing.  (Note to self: do not mail that fan letter to Ryan Murphy suggesting he”land” the Queen as a Glee guest star.)

7:00  Prince William and (now-Duchess?) Catherine signing the register at the shrine of Edward the Confessor as I type.  Look, even I’ve gotten to calling her Catherine by now.  Amazing what you can accomplish in a week, if you have influence over the press.

7:08  All the religious officials departing, but I can’t be fussed because my eyelids keep closing.

7:09  William and Kate/Catherine have returned, with Harry and Pippa, from the shrine!  About time.  My goodness.

7:10  The Queen just nodded her head as they walked by.

7:13  And now the royal couple are outside the Abbey and everyone is SO FUCKING STOKED!  And… a horse-drawn carriage?  Really? Well, okay.  That’s fair.

7:15 @ClarenceHouse wants you to know there will be five carriages in the procession from Westminster Abbey to the palace and also that the music from the wedding will be available for purchase on iTunes.

7:17  The carriage of the royal couple has been provided, of course, by the Royal Mews.  Man, my dad will be excited about that.  We went to the Royal Mews on vacation in London over the summer, as the palace was closed.  And when I was there I (maybe/possibly/think I did) saw the actress who plays Pandora on Skins ––  I stared openmouthed at her, wondering why she would be visiting the Royal Mews, and she stared at me because I was staring at her.  For about a full minute. It was kind of awkward.

7:20  Whitehall!  Horse Guards!  A parade!

7:21 Apparently William and Catherine are now to be called the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Duchess I understand, as Kate wasn’t born royal, but William is now a duke?  Why wouldn’t he retain his title? Anyone who understands the titling system of the British monarchy, hit me up.

7:25  All they’re doing now is riding in carriages down the Mall and the video quality’s gone to hell suddenly, and I have to get ready for work in ten minutes, so I’m signing off.  Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, good life and good luck.

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no more drugs for me, pussy and religion are all i need

hello, internet. it is i, rachel. i am sorry for the long absence. i had to take some time off to really meditate on my failures as a human being. i also started watching hoarders, which both alleviates and worsens aforementioned self loathing, in exact correlation with how foreign or terrifyingly familiar the actions of said hoarders are. but now i am feeling relatively confident that i can juggle this busy schedule along with occasionally writing in this blog, so. here goes nothing! for now, enjoy this list of academic papers I will never write on Kanye West.

  1. I Was Drinking Earlier, Now I’m Driving: Themes Of Control And Its Loss In Kanye West’s Ouevre
  2. Where My Bad Bitches At, Where They Hiding?: Hip-Hop’s Perception of Women Of Color In The Public And Private Sphere
  3. From Robocop To Bloodsuckers: West’s Past And Future In Figurings of the Grotesque
  4. All of the Lights: Illuminating the Darkness of Domestic Violence
  5. No One Man Should Have All That Power: Does Radio Still Need This?
  6. Yeezy Taught Me: Reflections On Sexualized Gender Roles In “The Ghetto University”
  7.  I Know You See Me Now: Visibility And Celebrity Culture Around Young Black Masculinity
  8. Have You Ever Had Sex With A Pharaoh? Hip-Hop Representations Of The Ancient African Continent
  9. Anything For A Blonde Dyke: Interacting With The Fiction Of Pornographic Sexuality
  10. My Chain Heavy: The Burden Of Hypermasculinity For Black Youth
  11. BONUS: The Midwest, Young And Restless: It’s Ten O’Clock, Do You Know Where Your Roommate Is?
just kidding about the last one, it’s for batia. don’t worry, i know where she is. good night and good luck.

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Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

It’s the apocalypse,* when we do whatever we want whenever we get around to it!

Writers and Kitties.  Thank you, Emma, for showing me this tumblr.  I like writers and I like cats!  I approve this message you are sending, tumblr-makers.  I expect to lean on you heavily over the next few days, when I go home to put my cat down on Saturday and celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ on Sunday. D: D: D:

Hungover Owls.  Another classic tumblr!  It feels inevitable, actually, that someone would at some point look at an owl and say, “Hey, that owl squints the way I squint when I wake up hungover.”  And then that person would go on the Internet to pair owl photos with hangover jokes!  I LOVE THE INTERNET.

“Judas.”  I refuse to tell you the number of times I listened to this today, because I want you to be my friends.  Liking Lady Gaga is all well and good, but I might have crossed a line somewhere.  “Judas” makes me want to be a robot dinosaur for four minutes and eleven minutes; it’s so beautifully, clinically electronic in places.  I look forward to throwing on an open motorcycle vest, slicking my hair into a La Roux-style swoop and dancing to it at a bar.

Buffalo Exchange.  I found aforementioned motorcycle vest there on Saturday, among several other things for a dollar, including a pair of Gap jeans that (as I found later) magically fit me.  I have never owned jeans that were not from LB, Walmart or acidwash ones from the women’s clearance at Sears, so that made for a nice evening.

The recent AS article on Uganda.  GO READ IT RIGHT NOW.

Now if you’ll pardon me, I should do some yoga and “avoid” thinking about my cat and watch Netflix.

*”springtime”

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so i entered a contest for real

It’s to win a speaking role in the planned “full cast” audiobook of American Gods, which more or less means I may get to voice a character from the book, which would be super fucking cool.  My entry is here and if you click on the link, you can listen to me read aloud!

Please vote for me.  I will bake you cookies or send you a lovely basket of seasonal fruit according to your culinary preferences.

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how was your day?

  • A professor came in and gave us bottles of red wine, for no discernible reason other than generosity
  • Many databases were updated
  • Many #18thcenturydance tweets were guffawed over:

  • I stayed late for a poetry reading
  • A friend I’d like to spend more time with gave me a ride home

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Stuff Heather Thinks is Super Great

Hello, my dears.  I apologize for the hiatus.  Let’s just get into it, shall we?

The Jamie xx remix of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep,” featuring Childish Gambino (aka Donald Glover, aka Troy from Community). The beat is excellent and Childish’s rap solo in this song is clever without being overtly misogynist to the point that I feel kind of uncomfortable for enjoying his music so much, which does not happen often.  Here, listen:

The Greek restaurant in my hometown (yes, we have one now!  I know, it’s exciting!) serves seasoned French fries with feta melted on top. Yeah, that’s right.  Think about that for a second, and then imagine dipping all that in some cool yogurt sauce.  The Professor showed me this last weekend when I was home, after the full restaurant staff greeted her by name.

Also, have you heard Adele’s cover of the Strokes’ “Last Nite”?  I realize that I talk about Adele quite often, but seriously, you guys, her cover is SO GOOD. I don’t have anything else to say about it.

My new roommates are cool and fascinating in all different ways.  I like hanging out with them in our kitchen. One of them is singing in the shower right now and is stunningly good at it.  Maybe I’m eavesdropping, but fuck, she has a good voice!

RuPaul’s Drag Race. Thumbs up, amirite?

Our office has a fish! His name is Fernando.  He came to the English department to study the early modern period and contemporary Atlantean poetry, but lately he has become distracted by the idea of attracting a viable sexual partner.  Oh, college.

I told him OKCupid was the way to go, but he insisted on making a bubble net alongside the edge of the fishbowl and treating anyone who was not a female betta fish with contempt.  The rest of the time, he acted pretty glum. So today I drew a picture of a female betta fish on a Post-It when he wasn’t looking and stuck it to the wall of the fishbowl.  He loves it.  He snuggles it.  It’s safe to say that a Lars and the Real Girl/Franco-and-Kumiko situation has developed.

The article Riese wrote about Britney Spears the other day on Autostraddle. I didn’t realize that Jamie Spears had PERMANENT conservatorship of Britney!  This is how I felt at the end of that article: 😦 😦 😦

This sounds tacky and maybe an overshare (?), but Egyptian cotton bedsheets. I feel like I should be rolling around in a leopard-print robe and doing cocaine off my pillow, they feel so luxurious.  I will never own any fabric that will be as good.  As these were a Christmas present, I did not have to bear the expense; thusly, I am now cursed to long for Egyptian cotton for the rest of my life whilst battling an innate sense of stinginess.

This comic strikes me as so fucking funny:  



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