Tag Archives: the way we live now

the circle of life

I won a fellowship today.  I’m excited.  It funds part of the tuition cost to attend an international writing seminar later this year.

It’s highly unlikely I can afford it, though, even with the partial fellowship.  But damned if I don’t try.


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One  day –– one day soon, I hope –– when I am less busy with Broad! (submission deadline in FOURTEEN DAYS, everyone!  You have until October 1!) and going on blind dates and, like, doing my actual job, I will get back to blogging properly.  I will write about things I find Super Great (e.g. my papasan chair; Spotify; little dogs on the local bike path) and about my daily life (e.g. Thai food; my supposed “spirit animal”; the man I saw jerking off behind a tree at half past midnight two Sundays ago, with his body facing the bike path, and my immediate desire to tweet about it on my phone).  I will do this blogging soon.  Within a few weeks, let’s say.  Max.

Until then, I leave you with this:

Have a lovely Saturday.

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of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of mustaches and kings

The other day at [costume store] I came across an entire series of false, self-adhesive mustaches in baggies.  I had a pair of fishnets and a garter in hand already, and later that afternoon I would have to pay the Genius Bar a few hundred dollars to repair my computer, but still.  I wanted a mustache so hard.  Like, immediately.  They looked so realistic!

But!  I try to be a sensible lady when it comes to money.

Where would you wear a mustache? I asked myself.

Where wouldn’t I wear it?  I answered.  Because if I were to buy, say, a handlebar –– and it would have to be a handlebar or walrus sort of affair, because why even bother buying a fake mustache otherwise –– I’d wear the damn thing out.  And develop a skin rash above my lip from putting it on and peeling it off constantly.

Because of the computer repairs, I did not buy a mustache that day.  I know where they are kept, though, I can always find them again.  (One day I will pair a handlebar mustache with a femmy sundress and a big old hat.)

Sometimes I think about my life now and imagine what my parents would say, and usually it is something along the lines of “Oh, geez!”

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Today in Palm Springs, Rachel helped document Day 2 of Dinah Shore, during which Laneia told the whole Internet she (Rachel) has a cute ass.  Meanwhile, in Not Palm Springs, I went to a funeral and everyone said my haircut made me look grown up.

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hey there stranger

I am carefully avoiding looking at the calendar section that says how long it’s been since I wrote anything in here because I know it’s been a long time and I’m sorry. I have no reason not to be here; I actually sit in front of a computer between seven and infinity hours a day now, so this should be easy as pie. I don’t know; to be honest my new job is one of the least hard and least interesting things I have ever done, and somehow it has this effect where my head feels like it is full of cotton and the most complicated mental task I am capable of is online shopping. Is this what America is? If so, I don’t think I get it.

I keep having posts planned out, and some of them are even half written, but so far all of them have ended in me staring at them motionlessly for a while before clicking over to a different tab and eventually getting up to find tea or crackers or a handful of raisins. To be honest, I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. I can’t remember a time since the new year when I was able to think much beyond a handful of raisins. I also can’t think in a particularly focused or structured or Team Player way at work, which I keep feeling guilty about in a halfhearted way and then giving up. I doodle during conference calls and research haircuts if I don’t have an urgent assignment. Maybe writing that on the internet can get me fired. I don’t know! Here are my top 15 ways to waste corporate time.

  1. Browse eBay for things you can convince yourself you need
  2. Walk to the kitchenette to get more tea, walk back
  3. Repeat, walking the long way
  4. Read your RSS feed, avoiding the ‘not work appropriate’ blogs but thinking the IT people can probably see them anyway
  5. Walk through kitchenette to go the long way to the bathroom, check to see if any free food has appeared
  6. Start to write heartfelt and detailed emails about yourself/your life that you owe to loved one, stop because you wonder if the IT guy can read it
  7. Email your parents
  8. On conference calls: draw realistic pen sketches of boats or seashells on PostIts, make small pieces of origami
  9. Research new origami folds
  10. Write secret journal entries/story sketches in an actual physical notebook that the IT guy cannot read
  11. Figure out what groceries you need at the store on your way home, what you will eat that night
  12. Heat up the lunch you brought to work, eat it slowly, realize you still have a half hour of lunch left and don’t know what to do
  13. Open up the page where you can see what your paycheck will be this week, stare at the number
  14. Check on Amazon to see if there are any legwarmers or pastry bags or hoodies or notebooks on sale with free shipping
  15. Jiggle the mouse occasionally so that your boss doesn’t see your status in Outlook go from “active” to “idle”


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tao-lin-esque monetization schemes i have had

Most of them would really only work if I had the same internet following/fame/cult of personality, so, you know.

+ Selling origami cranes made of misprinted job applications from my shitty printer for $5

+ Selling my graduate school application writing sample (~35 pages) for $10

+ Selling handwritten copies of old journal entries for $15? $20? I don’t know

+ “Feed A Hipster” – a blog project in which I feed myself only on what I can make via paypal donations, and photograph/blog each meal

+ financial slave, a la slutever. i think this would only work if there were many pictures of me and my friends half-naked on the internet, also a la slutever, but whatevs.


If you are genuinely interested in any of these ideas, email heathernrachel at gmail dot com. In other news, things that have recently been eaten as full meals in my house: birthday cake and an entire package of tempeh. Merry Christmas.

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