an open letter to the grocery store on my walk home

Dear [redacted],

Last time I came in for kale and it wasn’t there, I imagined you must have run out of the bags of kale I like.  Kale’s known to be a popular item among the liberal/vegan/devil vegan liberal elite.  But apparently, that is not the case; apparently, you have stopped carrying the brand of kale I buy.  I saw your bagged produce displays today; I saw how you replaced the kale section with that “wild rocket” shit, as if it’s the same.  I know what you’re up to and I will not eat rocket, I won’t!  (Well, all right, I’ll eat it.  But I will be significantly less satisfied with my meal than I would be if I ate kale.)

Why would you do this?  Why so heartless?  I could buy a bundle of fresh kale for a lot more money, I guess, as that’s the only alternative you offer, but as a childless unmarried woman it would take me two months to eat all of it.  Hell, it took me three weeks just to work my way through the bags you no longer supply.

Don’t do me like this, baby.  Don’t be so cruel.  I need this!  Just one bag, and that’s it.  Just one crinkly plastic bag of kale that says Best By and Fresh Express on the front.  Just one three-week supply of kale that costs me, like, $3.  Give me the chance to say goodbye to the cheap green goodness.

Malnutritionally yours,


1 Comment

Filed under Heather

One response to “an open letter to the grocery store on my walk home

  1. the tags. are. brilliant.

    devil vegetarian liberal musical theatre elite

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