gym, tanning, liveblog

Currently I’m sitting on my couch, watching a rerun of Jersey Shore‘s second season premiere.  This is the first time I’ve ever seen Jersey Shore.  This deserves some kind of recognition.  Gee.  How about a liveblog?!

3:00 Is that The Situation wearing a Joker tee in the  first season recap? That is a nice t-shirt.  I bet I could find it at Hot Topic.

3:01 They dubbed some girl “The Grenade”? What does that mean?  Does that mean she is a Betty?  Does it mean she will blow you (up)?

3:01 I have no idea what’s happening in this recap.  I have no context for anything here.  They get paid $10,000 an episode for this?

3:04 Pauly D, I have been to Miami.  Granted, it was for a cousin’s birthday.  But I did not see any beaches full of topless chicks.  The beaches I went to were full of jellyfish.  Sorry to disappoint.

3:04 Snooki’s upset that Obama taxed tanning beds.  Now she has to stand in her bedroom while her boyfriend sprays tanner all over her.  It seems like that would work better if she weren’t dressed for the day.  Oh, but wait!  Now she’s dragging her luggage out to the car and it’s zebra-striped!  Let’s be honest, I’d use that luggage.  It would match my wallet nicely.

3:05 Did the Situation just call he and Pauly D “the Dream Team”?  Oh snap, he did.  This better mean that Scotty Pippin will make an appearance.

3:05 I like that everyone is roadtripping to Miami.  Very cool.  Very recession-chic, MTV.

3:06 Clearly the producers are trying to pit Ronnie and Sammi against each other before they even get there.  They are exes!  They will be living in the same house!  OH THE DRAMZ!

3:08 Angelina is coming to Miami.  This is a BIG DEAL.  Pauly says “she better not cockblock like she did in Jersey.”  Who is this Angelina?  She left partway through the first season, right?  I never hear about her when people talk about Jersey Shore.  But Pauly and the Situation are talking about her as if she caused major dramz.  Also, Pauly says he hooked up with her once in L.A., so clearly she is not the cockblocker he claims.

3:08 Cut to Angelina!  “I’m really happy…. Now I get a chance to show everybody, like, the real Angelina, not like, y’know, only the bitchy side?”  Awesome!  I’m excited to see your non-bitchy side!  Unfortunately, the producers have edited your clip so that from there, you go into how jealous all the other JS ladies were of you last season.  And then they cut to JWoww calling your butt a “pancake ass.”

3:09 Why is Angelina being filmed getting a Brazilian?  GROSS.  Not as gross as when Sherri Shepherd got one on The View, though.

3:09 The Sitch and Pauly went to a cornfield to set off fireworks and got stuck in the mud.  There’s a sticky situation for ya!  (Ahaha.)  But they are troopers!  They set off the fireworks while waiting for AAA.  Why am I watching this, is what I want to know.  Oh!  OH MAN!  The AAA truck got stuck in the mud!  “It’s a real situation we got here,” says Pauly.

3:11 JWoww and Snooki drove all the way to Georgia, dressed up in cowboy hats and suchlike, and there is no one at the bar they chose.  Their lives are terrible.  But the restaurant has fried pickles!  That sounds really gross, actually, but Snooki’s cowboy hat says her name on it in glitter glue, so I guess it makes sense she would eat fried pickles.  She also made an excited-gremlin sort of gesture when talking about the pickles, which is pretty endearing.

3:12 I suppose that fried pickles aren’t all that different from fried zucchini, which I totally eat.  I retract any judgments I may have previously intoned on the subject.

3:12 Waiter: “What brings you girls down South?”  Oh, you know, MTV.  You can tell by the cameras pointed at us, and also by the fact that both of us were on television last year.

3:12 Snooki, regarding waiter: “Obviously he f**ks his sister for a living.”  Ouch.  For a living, dude?  I guess you don’t get many tips?

3:13 Ronnie’s flying to Miami.  Ronnie, we are in a recession, get with it.

3:14 Sammi thinks “it will be weird” living with Ronnie.  I have a feeling she will say this several more times as the episode goes on.

3:15 Pauly and the Sitch arrive first.  They haven’t walked into the house yet, they’re just standing in the courtyard, and the Sitch has said “damn” three separate times.

3:15 I like how small the bedrooms are!  Recession chic for sure.  MTV knows how to draw in the middle class.  Not like the people behind SATC2 at all.  Wily, the producers of Jersey Shore are.  Also, Angelina’s here and confesses to the camera that she’ll do “whatever it takes to be cool with these people.”  Will she?  Will she do it?

3:16 The Sitch just confessed that he doesn’t hate on anyone, but (effectively) he hates Angelina.  Now Angelina wants to bunk with him and Pauly, and the Sitch awkwardly agreed.  Oh, dear!  What a problematic situation!

3:18 Ronnie and Sammi are broken up, so the Sitch has designs on Sam.  She “looks like she always does, a cute girl,” which is good to know.  Whew!  Thank God all that fame and heartbreak didn’t make her ugly, amirite?

3:20 Sammi’s nervous to see Ron because she still loves him.  That sucks.

3:21 Holy moly, Ronnie is here. Sammi is hiding in her closet.  She says again how much she still loves him.  This will be bad, I think.  Maybe signing a contract to live with your ex was a poor decision?  Ronnie, on the other hand, is ready to “go out” and “get crazy” and “pretty much do the situation.”  (Or Situation?)

3:23 Back from commercial.  Sammi’s confessing about her feelings for Ronnie again.  Sammi!  Don’t do this to yourself, girl!  This is a bad scene.  And you know it.  “What the f**k am I doing,” she says to the camera.  Yes, what are you doing?  Don’t pull a Jenny Owen Youngs.

3:23 Sammi: “In a way I’m kinda like, f**k me, why is Ron’s room right next door, um, but in a way I’m kinda happy, ’cause I can see him.”  You can see him regardless what room he’s in!  HE LIVES IN THE SAME HOUSE!!  Oh, the dramz.  Even Pauly D’s gotten in on the confessional action w/r/t Ronnie and Sam.

3:24 JWoww and Snooki “just want to be roommates” with the guys.  We’ll see about that, ladies.

3:25 All the other girls sequester themselves to talk shit about how Angelina talks shit about them behind their backs.  Meanwhile, with the guys in the living room, Angelina says she’s not going to talk to JWoww or Snooki because they are immature, and why should Angelina be a bigger person?  Then she meets the Sitch outside in the courtyard to vent and get advice while the Sitch shoots get-me-out-of-here looks at the camera.

3:26 Why is this show so popular?  It’s The Real World with heavy regional accents.  The end.

3:27 JWoww broke the closet!  Sammi’s wardrobe is splattered with Ronnie’s juice drink.  Symbolism??

3:27 Snooki, washing Sammi’s clothes in the sink: “I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin’ twenties, washing s**t right now!”  Clearly, Snooki is the only reason to watch this show.

3:28 Sammi’s now confessing to Snooki about how awkward it is to live with your ex-boyfriend.  Hmm, maybe DON’T DO THAT THEN.

3:28 Guys, Lady Gaga is Italian-American!!  They should bring her to live in the Jersey Shore house.  She could sass on in there and cook in a studded bra while everyone else is out hooking up.  MTV could call it Germanotta Shore.  (Or, even better: a spinoff in which Snooki is offered an internship with the Haus of Gaga. Oh, the wacky adventures they could get up to!)

3:29 Angelina’s sitting next to Ronnie in the hot tub.  Apparently this passes for drama?  I am bored.  I might start drawing up a preliminary proposal for Haus of Snooki.

3:31 The girls are in a cab headed to a club, talking about Sammi’s heartbreak (again).  Angelina hijacks the convo to snark about how she’s not a bitch and everyone else is bitchy to think she’s a bitch. STFU, Angie.  Oh, wait, now JWoww is all, “You wanna go outside?!”  Angelina helpfully points out what I’m thinking, which is that they’re in a cab so “taking it outside” is undoable on a practical level.  JWoww screams some more.

3:32 Angelina: “I’m trying to be classy right now.”  Oh!  My mistake.

3:32 I feel like I’ve taken a screwdriver to my brain stem.

3:33 Angelina’s surprised that no one likes her, even though she said at the beginning of the episode that she knew no one liked her.  Also, she insulted Snooki’s tan.  Oh snap! Bitch is going down!

3:34 Ronnie and Sammi are fighting.  No one’s surprised.  Vinny even says, “What a surprise” with much droll wit.  Meanwhile, the exes seem locked in a game of Broken Heart Olympics.  Apparently Ronnie hasn’t been listening to Sammi pour her heart out again and again, because he insists that he is way more sad than she is.  He’s kinda crying, too, so I guess he “wins” this round?

3:36 Back in the cab –– so soon? –– and Ronnie calls Sammi a “f**king c**t.”  Everyone falls silent.  GTFO, Ronnie.  Yeah, that’s right, get out of the cab.  What an asshole.  I expect better, even from the cast of Jersey Shore.

3:37 Pauly, back at the club with the guys (and Angelina), says Ronnie’s “in creep mode.”  Well, at least they admit they’re creepers.  The Sitch says that Ronnie’s “hooking up with grenades.”  My assumption was that grenades were Bettys, but no, that’s not so: grenades are “bigger ugly chick[s],” while landmines are “thin ugly chicks.”  Good to know!  Thank you, Mike Sorrentino!  I will cherish this information 4-ever.

3:38 Angelina’s pumped that she witnessed all these grenades and landmines rubbing up on ol’ Ronnie, as now she has dirt for Sammi.  But she’ll never tell Sammi because, like Ronnie, she feels that Sammi is a “c**t.”  Jeez, poor Sammi.  She really should not be living in this house.

3:39 At the house, Snooki promises Sammi that Ronnie still cares about her.  Does this mean “f**king c**t” is a term of affection now?  Is that what the cool kids call each other these days?  I’m not cool, so I don’t know.  Meanwhile, the camera ominously cuts back and forth from this conversation in the kitchen to Ronnie and his grenades at the club.  He’s kissing two of them at the same time.  Dude, that’s just an excellent way to get blown up.



Filed under Heather

4 responses to “gym, tanning, liveblog

  1. Rachel

    this is the best thing

    the other best thing: haus of snooki

    did i ever tell you about the time when we were doing chums interviews and we asked someone what their spirit animal was and they instantly answered ‘snooki’ and my heart grew three sizes

  2. andrew

    snooki’s twitter is horrifying/brilliant

  3. Batia

    Speaking from experience, fried pickles are pretty tasty.

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