I shelled out six dollars for your movie this afternoon and frankly, I expect more. I anticipated a movie I could hardcore-mock, or at the very least feel superior for two and a half hours, because I was stressed out and needed to shut off my brain. Instead I found myself largely confused. Why don’t any of the vampires sparkle in this movie? All I hear about Edward Cullen is that he’s an asshole who sparkles in the daylight, and while you made good on the promise of possessive jealousy-parading-as-Byronic-romanticism, I feel a little ripped off when it comes to the glitter. Edward sparkles exactly twice, each time for approximately half a second. I signed on for poorly CGI’d SparkleVamps! Not vampires who stood around wearing blatantly fake contacts, staring at each other and possibly wondering, “Do I look as much like an alien as my adopted sibling/love interest?” Because the answer is yes, Cullen of Choice, you do. Furthermore, on that note, why are there scenes with the Cullens not wearing their terrible contacts? Do their eyes change color when they are hungry? But that’s not your fault, you’re just the filmmakers. I assume that’s explained in the book. I can blame you, however, for the fact that I had to sit through forty minutes (and four Jacob scenes) until Taylor Lautner took his shirt off. Why? From what I hear, the second movie was comprised entirely of a symbiosis between Lautner’s chest and the camera. Let’s be real, half your audience is watching Eclipse for Jacob’s abdomen.
But onto the real point of this letter. I have a pitch for you, and it’s going to make millions of dollars: instead of making the two-parter (or any-parter) of Breaking Dawn, I say you open the next Twilight film with Charlie staking Edward through the heart. What a crazy, (literally) heartwrenching plot twist! Bella and Edward will be all, “Hey Charlie, we’re getting married, college is for ugly chicks without vampire boyfriends” and Charlie’ll shiv Edward with the bread knife he’s using to make toast, presumably for taking Bella’s womanly virtue. Then Bella runs to Jacob to assuage her tears –– since, from what my Twifan friends tell me, that’s all she seems to use Jacob for –– and he can be like, “Listen, Bella. I had a lot of time to think while I lay here recovering from all those bones I broke saving your life, and I’m over it. Laterz.” At this point, the movie will effectively become a spinoff wherein Jacob is awesome and does things such as riding a motorbike or banging some girl who has a legitimate personality/displays emotional range. The audience will presume that Bella is off somewhere staring emptily into space, as if she’s about to cry.
I trust you agree with me re: Breaking Dawn, and I look forward to negotiating a contract with you.