currently i am mostly broke and also unshowered and i have a lot of back pain, like the kind old people do in commercials for aleve, and i have a garage full of my fucking stuff that i somehow have to move like 35 miles using only 3 cars and 5 twentysomethings. it’s like a magic trick. or fear factor. i don’t know. my life is Not Optimal. but if anything has taught me anything in life it is that the only way to solve any problem is to make a list. also ten is a good round number. i hereby present for my reference and for the sake of accountability my ten action steps for making my life beautiful.
1. i am going to become the kind of person who brushes their teeth constantly. the only two people I know who do this are my former roommate Hannah and my thesis advisor, and both of them are very high achieving individuals. (they also have very white teeth.) (remember that zadie smith book, did anyone else read that) i should start carrying a toothbrush and floss in my purse and using them whenever i have 5 minutes free.
2. get a public library card for the library nearest my new apartment. the only other coping mechanism i have for life problems besides making lists is checking out books on the topic, and i will feel much more relaxed if i have this as a possibility. first step is to figure out which library this is, but whatever.
3. herbal tea. obvs i already drink a lot of tea, but i will start drinking expensive tea from the organic store near the dry cleaners that says it will do things for your liver. this will solve all of my nebulous health problems and furthermore transform me into some kind of nutritionally perfect nature goddess whose kidneys are perfectly in tune with the cosmos. part 2 of this step is taking my vitamins on a regular basis again.maybe also kombucha, we’ll see.
4. get my shit together, start acting like a real writer this means both setting aside time every day to write like a big girl, and doing my research and sending stuff out and keeping track of everything and “self-advocating.”
5. find my apron for work
6. start going to bed earlier my manager at work talks about going to bed all through closing every night; she is always saying “oh, i had all these plans with cool people, we were going to “have drinks,” but now i am so tired, and i have to open in the morning, i think i will just take a shower and go to bed.” i always agree with her and think about how nice a shower and bed sounds, and then i go home and stay up til 3 watching reruns of iron chef america. i’ve decided this is probably why she is a manager and i am not.
7. “exercise” today i saw a sign outside the planet fitness in the shopping center that said membership was $10 per month. a therapist is a $10 copay per visit. i’m just saying. also a therapist will not give me madonna arms.
8. whole grains obviously
9. stop buying things this will accomplish many things: it will simplify my life, it will mean i have more money, it will mean that the next time i have to move i won’t have so much fucking stuff, and it means that i will be forced to get my unhealthy stress-correlated spending habits under control and therefore become a functional human being
10. keep my room clean didn’t ben franklin say something about this once? like “a clean room is a happy heart” or “organized shoes mean a happier you.” yes. i think he said that.
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS. this will happen. christmas in july. new year’s resolution in may. go go go.