The other day my mom was talking about what she should get me for a graduation present, and asked if I wanted an iPhone. This is so far from being anything I would want that I was surprised she asked; most likely I will just end up asking her for cash because knowing that I’m able to pay my rent is, to me, the best present of all. My mother hates this, or at least it makes her sad; she would like for me to be more happy and less practical, and she likes giving me gifts instead of money so that I can’t spend it on pragmatic things. Or when she does give me money she likes to specify that I can only use it for frivolous things. Actually, maybe it’s not a surprise that she asked if she should give me an iPhone.
Anyways, that was a long way of telling you that while I 90% do not want an iPhone there are a few things it seems like it would be good for, here they are.
1. There is this awesome flyer on the bulletin board of the staff room where I work. It has a crayon drawing of three sporks, and below that printed text that says “A spork is a combination of a spoon and a fork. Martha bought two or three sets when she was in Philadelphia last week; if you’re interested in getting one, stop by her office.” I often have the strong urge to take an iPhone photo of this flyer and then send it to everyone I know, because I think it’s great. But I don’t have an iPhone, so I don’t.
2. Sometimes I take peoplewatching to a whole new level slash want to generously share the experience with people who may not be with me at the moment. Example: today there was an unreasonably attractive girl dressed like a Vogue photo shoot – tiny shorts that were probably very expensive and crazy gladiator sandals that went all the way up her calves – just chillin’ in the middle of the library. I felt the need to tell someone about this, but texting “designer booty shorts and gladiator sandals” did not feel the same.
3. If I had a dollar for every time I left to pick someone up from the airport but forgot to check their flight information/gate before leaving, I’d have like three dollars. Which doesn’t sound like much, but seriously, try figuring out where to park without having any fucking idea what airline they’re coming in on. You will park in the wrong spot, and have to walk across the entire airport and back, and end up being there an hour instead of 20 minutes and paying way more than three dollars for parking. I understand that this is something people with data plans don’t really have to worry about anymore.
4. I often do this embarrassing thing that I know my roommates think is dumb where when making a complicated recipe I haul my whole laptop (it’s a Dell Inspiron, not super sleek) into our tiny kitchen so that I’ll know whether the milk goes in at the same time as the cheese or later. How much more convenient it would be if I had a tiny, palm-sized screen that could display the same information without taking up literally a third of my counter and also running out of battery in 20 minutes because seriously, guys, don’t buy an Inspiron? The answer is that it would be much more convenient.
5. Our design director, Alex “Semicolon” Vega, may or may not have made some Telephone-themed iPhone wallpapers. I dunno, I think they’re kind of sweet.
In related news, what are you asking your parents for for graduation? Or am I the only one with anxiety over this? Whatever, it’s cool.