I’ve probably done this one before, but you’ll have to deal. I haven’t posted as much because lately my Number One And Also Only Feeling has been My Thesis, but I also recognize I am the only one who cares about this, and that angst is only interesting to the people experiencing it. SO. ANYWAYS. I will instead talk about what I have been doing to procrastinate when I don’t want to be working on my thesis (which is obvs all the time,) and that is Online Window Shopping. I am broke, and trying to write a thing that is hard to write, and so obviously most of what I do with my time is look at things I want to buy, either on the internet. There’s something weird and complicated going on there – like, trying to make art is hard and makes me uncomfortable, so instead I numb myself with weird consumerist binges – but we’re not going to go there! Because my insurance pays for therapy and I could get that if I want to talk about my feelings quite that much. Anyways, here’s a list.
1. Food I love doing this. I also love cooking food. These things are related. I do not particularly love eating food – I mean, I do, but no more than the next guy – I just like shopping for it and preparing it the way the SATC girls liked buying fancy shoes and vag perfume and then putting them on before dates. (I’ve never seen an episode of SATC.) This kind of came to a head recently where I was literally flat broke for a week, and realized that part of that was because I had spent like $15 just on cheese that week. What can I say? I love fancy fermented dairy products.
2. Cookware This is a corollary, but I’m going to give it its own section. One of my high school friends is getting married (that is a whole OTHER post) and I spent a good hour tonight giving him suggestions for things he could put on his gift registry. (About twenty-five seconds about having it explained to me what a gift registry is.) Ooh, Le Creuset is so nice! Get a dutch oven! Get one of the little ones, they’re so cute! You could name it! I feel so stereotypical when I do this, like is this how men feel when they walk into a Home Depot and say “I need a power drill”? Like they are fulfilling some deep unspoken cultural calling?
3. Office supplies I feel like this is one of those things we all love doing, like it is conditioned into us with the belief that every September if we buy nice enough Lisa Frank folders and cool enough tshirts we can be new people, popular and beloved and shiny forever. Obviously this has not happened to me, as I am wearing a pair of fleece jammies and doing a shitty job on a pretentious undergraduate thesis. But the dream never dies. This is the first year I bought a daily planner for the new year, and while the amount I actually use it is kind of negligible, it still gives me warm little heart flutters to see it on my desk, so crisp and organized-looking and such an efficient shade of robins-egg blue. Like, looking at it makes me feel like I might be the kind of person who uses it, do you know what I mean?
4. Clothes from Forever 21 I am not proud of this. But let me explain: About 50% of what Forever 21 sells is kind of mediocre and not worth the money. Like this tank top. It’s cute or whatever, but not $17.80 worth of cute. 25% of what they sell is absolutely heinous. Like, if Regina George saw you wear this, she would ask “That’s so cute! Where did you get it?” and I would not even blame her, because really, that’s a lace trim leopard-print skirt. The photo has a model wearing it, they couldn’t even pay a model to put it on. But then! Then the other 25%! Is stuff that is really actually something I would like to wear on my body! I get that it is “cheap” and “low quality” and “I will need to buy another one in six months, you should just spend the money on a nice one” but honestly people this is a pair of jeans for $9.50. I get that they is not as nice as what I could buy at J. Crew (or actually I don’t even really know where rich people shop, whatever) but they are not really any worse than what I could find anywhere else? And um, they’re $9.50. And union made. Sooo if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go browse through some glittery five-inch heels now.
5. Cheap beauty products This is maybe the one vestige of hyper-consumerist-appearance-obsessed-seventeen-magazine culture left in me. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t know or care whether my clothes flatter my figure, I do not know whether “nude and understated” or “glitzy and glam” is in style right now. But if I am having a bad day, Revlon ColorShine Glaze and/or Neutrogena Bubbly Mintyface Face Mask become enormously attractive. It doesn’t have to be brandname, but I won’t lie, it helps. Ugh I just want a smooth, soft matte-but-dewy-and-attractive face like everyone on every cover of cosmogirl ever. This is not ulitimately a huge problem, we are talking like $7 a pop, I think I am just more concerned that what it represents is deeply weird and unhealthy? Like, I am disturbed that even though I know better these products still signify to me exactly what they are supposed to, which is apparently validation of myself as a person. The end.
That is all, someone please share embarrassing things that they spend money on so I don’t feel like a freak