Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Guys it is so fucking cold out We seriously set a record today – we were out of the car, had a Christmas tree picked out, got it paid for and bagged, and back in the trunk of our car in probably six minutes. Do you know why? Because it is very cold out.

When you want to make someone a mix CD, but are not sure you can pull it off. Does this ever happen to you? It happens to me. Like, when you like someone a lot, and care about them, and want to let them know this by burning a CD for them with carefully selected songs from your iTunes. But then you realize that you don’t really listen to that much music? Or not as much as you like to think you do? Like, maybe at this point in your life you really only listen to The Fame Monster, and, like, The Weepies? No? Is this just me?

I am not Miranda July, I will never be Miranda July. Some days, I just get really angry at myself for not being other people. Some days, it’s Gwendolyn Brooks; others, it’s Ina Garten or Marie Curie or Joey Comeau. (I hear his girlfriend is hot.) Today, though, (and really many other days) it is quirky queer hipster princess Miranda July, author of No One Belongs Here More Than You and writer and star of Me, You, and Everyone We Know. (Also, potentially the best titleist in the biz.) (Also someone I predict that I love and Emma does not.)

My rampant, shameless consumerism. This is probably why I will never be Miranda July. Basically, here is the deal: if you know me, then you know that People Like Me live for American Apparel deep V-neck tshirts, which are ludicrously overpriced. BUT right now you can get them on Amazon for $8.99 each. I am really tempted to buy two of them (“athletic gray” and “cranberry,” in case you were wondering.) But I also recognize that this is kind of ridiculous? Like, I am really broke, and have been kind of whiny about not having enough to get other people gifts, and in like six months I will probably have to choose between paying rent and buying kale at Whole Foods. OH MY GOD, could I GET any more American Apparel’s target demographic. (Also, I totally sound like I’m making commission on this, don’t I.)

Sometimes, I am a shitty friend. You know how there are those people whose birthdays are irritatingly close to other gift-giving holidays, like Christmas, and you’re like well shit, I guess I have to find them two presents? I was thinking about one of those friends today, and realized that not only have I not gotten her presents for either occasion, but I haven’t called her in literally three months. Jesus Christ. I would not be friends with me. I should probably stop taking the Lord’s name in vain, it’s almost Christmas and we already have the nativity up and everything, sorry Jesus

Lady Gaga/MAC Have you guys seen this? You probably have.

Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper are doing a promotion for MAC, which I guess is cool and all because they have fake polar bear dresses to buy or whatever. And this is a pretty great photo – does anyone else suppress the urge to laugh out loud when they see Gaga’s face here? Like, it is really hilarious to me. BUT the point here is that some part of me, the same part that only shaves my legs like twice a year and really wanted a pair of Converse when I was fourteen (also, let’s be real, still wanted them when I was like 20 but didn’t buy them cause they’re not sweatfree) is sad whenever I see celebrities I like with big ad campaigns. I mean, ok, I get it – Lady Gaga is not a philanthropist. She is a brand. And this actually makes a lot of sense with her “concept” – she’s all about commercialism, all about the idea of selling yourself and fame and brand power vs. actual content. She is a fame monster. But still! Still I am a little bit sad. Can’t you just make your million billion off of selling locks of your hair in your deluxe album packages?  Also I am %110 sure that this was way photoshopped, like her thigh is smaller than my arm here. Girl, no! You have the best legs! Seriously, I’ve checked! Don’t hide your light under a bushel!

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4 Comments

Filed under Rachel

4 responses to “Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

  1. Heather

    her thigh is literally the same width as her neck in that photo.

  2. Batia

    If it makes you feel any better, the MAC ad is for their Viva Glam line, from which 100% of the selling price goes to the MAC AIDS Fund.

    Also, if it makes you feel better, I only knew that because I read about that ad somewhere else, not because I know anything at all about MAC.

  3. emma

    “Also someone I predict that I love and Emma does not.”

    WHOA RACHEL WHEN YOU STOP POSTING ABOUT WHIMSICAL THINGS I WILL STOP SAYING I HATE THEM.

    and they really did photoshop the bejesus out of gaga’s hip and thigh. they also appeared to have lengthened her torso and reduced her ass so much that it looks like leg and spine connect. also her face is unrecognizable.

    • Heather

      good, so i’m not the only one who thought they average-ified her face! i tried to tell myself it was the angle, but doesn’t it look like they shortened and perked her nose? besides, as Emma noted, giving her the same dimensions as a skinny eight-year-old girl.

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