Thesis Pages: 5
Without going into too much detail, I’d just like to say that my job is boring. Mostly I move books from one pile to another, and then back into the same pile they started in with some new labels. Sometimes I play minesweeper. Sometimes I spend a lot of time thinking about problems that will maybe not ever actually happen in real life. This week, I have been pondering what would happen if I were at some point faced with the mutually exclusive choice of having cats or having children.
Points In Favor of Cats
- You can give them awesome names like Antigone and Optimus Prime, and they will not resent you
- They clean themselves! With their tongues!
- At no point will they need you to feed them with your breasts (no nipple-chewing!)
- Having your children neutered is illegal, I think
- Shorter lifespans means less commitment
- You will never have to comfort them when someone takes the swings from them on the playground
- If you and your partner separate, custody is simpler
- Even baby kittens can be trained almost immediately to use a litterbox. Kids are dumb enough to continue shitting in their pants for years.
- They can be left alone all day without a babysitter or a social worker checking you out
- No college tuition
Points In Favor of Children
- Between the ages of maybe four and eight, they are the right size for walking on your back when it is tired
- After a few years, they are old enough to play Scrabble and canasta with
- It’s not weird if you want to go see a Disney movie (The Princess and the Frog, anyone?) or the zoo. It’s for your kid, obviously. As are the coloring books you bought. And the jungle animal wallpaper.
- Maybe one of their friends in playgroup will have a hot single parent
- Kids can go places cats can’t. It’s okay to take your kid with you to run errands or even to work sometimes; it is not okay to take your cat.
- No rabies!
- After the age of like ten you can have them take out the trash and do the dishes
- Fulfilling, or something
Qualities Which Both Cats and Children Share
- If you break something in the house while your partner/coparent is out, you can blame it on them
- Both are nice to have fall asleep in your bed sometimes
- Soft, cute
- You have to feed them
- Expensive medical bills
- Will probably annoy your neighbors
You are, of course, welcome to contribute any more thoughts you have on the matter. I’ll be honest; right now I am leaning towards cats.