i hope they don’t want grandkids

Thesis Pages: 5

Without going into too much detail, I’d just like to say that my job is boring. Mostly I move books from one pile to another, and then back into the same pile they started in with some new labels. Sometimes I play minesweeper. Sometimes I spend a lot of time thinking about problems that will maybe not ever actually happen in real life.  This week, I have been pondering what would happen if I were at some point faced with the mutually exclusive choice of having cats or having children.

Points In Favor of Cats

  • You can give them awesome names like Antigone and Optimus Prime, and they will not resent you
  • They clean themselves! With their tongues!
  • At no point will they need you to feed them with your breasts (no nipple-chewing!)
  • Having your children neutered is illegal, I think
  • Shorter lifespans means less commitment
  • You will never have to comfort them when someone takes the swings from them on the playground
  • If you and your partner separate, custody is simpler
  • Even baby kittens can be trained almost immediately to use a litterbox. Kids are dumb enough to continue shitting in their pants for years.
  • They can be left alone all day without a babysitter or a social worker checking you out
  • No college tuition

Points In Favor of Children

  • Between the ages of maybe four and eight, they are the right size for walking on your back when it is tired
  • After a few years, they are old enough to play Scrabble and canasta with
  • It’s not weird if you want to go see a Disney movie (The Princess and the Frog, anyone?) or the zoo. It’s for your kid, obviously. As are the coloring books you bought. And the jungle animal wallpaper.
  • Maybe one of their friends in playgroup will have a hot single parent
  • Kids can go places cats can’t. It’s okay to take your kid with you to run errands or even to work sometimes; it is not okay to take your cat.
  • No rabies!
  • After the age of like ten you can have them take out the trash and do the dishes
  • Fulfilling, or something

Qualities Which Both Cats and Children Share

  • If you break something in the house while your partner/coparent is out, you can blame it on them
  • Both are nice to have fall asleep in your bed sometimes
  • Soft, cute
  • You have to feed them
  • Expensive medical bills
  • Will probably annoy your neighbors

You are, of course, welcome to contribute any more thoughts you have on the matter. I’ll be honest; right now I am leaning towards cats.



Filed under Rachel

2 responses to “i hope they don’t want grandkids

  1. Heather

    Yeah, that totally is Love Actually. But so is dating a fellow pet owner, kinda (though the analogy would work WAY better if the pet in question was a dog, so you could meet at a public park).

    I vote that you shouldn’t exclude non-feline pets. What of ferrets, or of the humble dwarf hamster? Guinea pigs perhaps?

  2. Heather

    (postscript: nice thesis counter. I just noticed it.)

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