Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Katy Perry. I can’t believe I’ve had this blog for three months and never talked about how much I fucking hate Katy Perry. Because I really fucking hate Katy Perry. I’m going to try to see if I can summarize why in only a few sentences. 1) your boyfriend will mind it, because that’s cheating. Acting like same-sex sex isn’t “real” sex invalidates thousands of relationships. 2) “You’re my experimental game”? Really? Objectify much? 3) You know what, kissing girls is something that good girls do, unless you’re Miss Fucking California. Oh, you kissed a girl? And you liked it? I’m glad, because it’s the last time it will ever happen. You are blacklisted. Didn’t you see that Will & Grace episode about the Gay Mafia? I don’t know who the head of the Lesbian Mafia would be (I vote for Ilene Chaiken), but she has her eye on you.

How packratty I am. I have to move out of my dorm room later today, and here are just a few of the things I have to pack: A half-full jar of strawberry-rhubarb jam, a 500-piece puzzle of a castle in the Alps, like eighteen pairs of shoes, a bamboo plant, a convection oven, and five handbags. Luckily, I already took the sitar home, or that would be on the list too.

When I have to smell delicious food but not eat it. Like right now. What is my deal?

How arbitrary book buyback is. I know this isn’t really fair; there are larger market forces at work and invisible hands and whatnot. But there’s something screwy about a system where the Nobel-prize-winning Omeros is worth two dollars, and a shitty textbook about the passé composé and little anecdotes about Rashid le journaliste is worth $46.

Red wine. There, I said it.

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2 Comments

Filed under Rachel

2 responses to “Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

  1. Heather

    red wine is terrible! your boyfriend made me drink some of his Chianti yesterday and it was super unpleasant.

  2. Heather

    also, bonus story of an awkward customer!

    COWORKER rings up CUSTOMER, a fiftysomething man with Bill Gates spectacles and a receding gray hairline. HEATHER is putting on lip balm nearby.

    CUSTOMER: Is that *cherry* Chapstick?
    HEATHER: Um, no, it’s Blistex.
    CUSTOMER: You know that song? I love that song.
    COWORKER: What song? (dawns on her) Ohhh.
    CUSTOMER: (sings) I kissed a girl and I liked it! The taste of her cherry Chapstick!
    COWORKER: (hands customer receipt, uncomfortable)
    HEATHER: (stops applying Blistex, feels awkward)
    CUSTOMER: You girls stay out of trouble now! (laughs)
    COWORKER/HEATHER: (uncomfortable laughter) Ha ha ha ha!

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