Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

A disclaimer: at the end of this week, I find myself sick and whiny, and also just having gotten back from making a really long, epic grocery run. This may have influenced some of my opinions.

Old People. I’m not trying to be mean. My own grandmother is an old person. So is her sister, my great-aunt. Some would argue that my father himself is bordering on elderly. That doesn’t change the facts of the matter, though; they are bad at pushing grocery carts. Seriously, guys! Pick where you want to go, and then push the cart there! If it’s too hard, ask for help! Or have that good-for-nothing nephew go to the store for you!

Ready-to-microwave bacon. This comes pre-packaged in little plastic envelopes, which you put unopened in the microwave and allegedly open 2-3 minutes later to “perfectly crispy” bacon. I have not tried this yet, but I suspect this claim is not true. Maybe “gross” bacon. (Also, I can’t believe I bought bacon during Passover. Is that awful?)

Hall’s. You, Hall’s cough drop company, make two kinds of cough drops that I know about. The first kind tastes like raw sewage with menthol overtones, and I literally can’t keep it in my mouth for longer than ten minutes. It alleviates my sore throat a little bit, for a little while. The other kind of cough drop is citrusy and delicious – like, it tastes like candy, and I end up chewing it because it tastes so good. It does nothing for my throat at all. I am not pleased with either of these products.

Parents on Facebook. I know Heather has already addressed this issue with great eloquence and persuasiveness. Now that I have actually been friend-requested by my dad, though, I have to put my two cents in too. Part of the issue is the creepiness and discomfort of your parents being too involved in your personal life; I mean, that’s a pretty big deal. But it’s also about an irritating aspect inherent to Facebook; the idea that if you have any kind of relationship to someone at all – like, if they bagged your groceries once, or you fucked their daughter after prom – you should be friends with them on Facebook. There’s no way you can know this, internet, but it does not make any sense for my dad and I to be “friends.” I can barely remember his birthday. Up until a few years ago, he regularly got both my birthday and actual age wrong. We have a tacit agreement not to talk about anything more important than what’s on the History Channel, because otherwise we will fight. We are not close. (Also, why is he even on Facebook? Creepy, yes?) Let’s all close our eyes and imagine a world where your friends on Facebook were, you know, your friends. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Green plastic fake grass in Easter baskets. To be fair, it’s not like I have a better idea for things to stuff Easter baskets with. But what are the pluses of the current system, really? It’s kind of unattractive, it gets everywhere, you can’t eat any of your jellybeans because they all get lost inside there, and I am pretty sure it is similar to styrofoam in that it will never ever biodegrade, ever.

Rihanna. Oh wait, wrong list. I fucking love Rihanna.

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3 Comments

Filed under Rachel

3 responses to “Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

  1. Peter

    Try that bacon before you knock it, girlfriend. Or at least google it.

    Bacon, especially turkey bacon, is remarkably microwavable. You don’t need a special baggie for it, just put it on a plate between some paper towels, and wait! In 3-4 minutes you are breaking kosher.

  2. Rachel

    Ok ok ok clarification. I am not upset about the idea of microwaving bacon. I have in fact never cooked it any other way; I will whip out the paper towels in no time flat. But this isn’t that kind of bacon. This is prepackaged in plastic and not meant to be taken out of it; for someone who won’t even microwave tupperware because the Johns Hopkins Institute released a study clearly linking it to cancer, this is an appalling idea.

  3. Peter

    Ok yeah, petrolbacon is a terrible idea. That is legit, sorry I misunderstood.

    Also, come over! We will microwave bacon together.

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