Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

Punk. I know that this is not really, I don’t know, a nice thing to say. And I don’t want anyone to take it personally. Seriously, some of my best friends are punk. Punks. Punk-Americans. I don’t know what I’m supposed to call you people these days.  Many of you are very nice – excellent tippers – and I am genuinely impressed with the incredible architectural qualities of your hair. But you make really shitty music, and there’s nothing else I can say about that. Also, “moshing” looks “stupid.”

Most Ben Stiller movies. This is an honest-to-God true story – the other day I was forced to sit through a man’s “sideshow act” that climaxed with the dumbass talking audience members into stapling dollar bills to his nipples. I swear to you, all I could think about was “This feels like watching a Ben Stiller movie.” The basis of my disgust is the same: why is it funny, or entertaining, to watch someone be physically and emotionally hurt and humiliated over and over again? How can I not take offense that you expect me to find this amusing? (With the exception that I obvs thought Dodgeball and Zoolander were funny, just like everyone else alive. I’m more talking about, say, Meet the Parents.) Am I being unreasonable with that reaction? I don’t think so.

BitTorrent. I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t get the bulk of my music from here, because I do. But we have to acknowledge that on some level, it is a tool built to serve a community of fourteen-year-old boys who are primarily interested in porn and Jay-Z. There is not a strong focus on politically oriented lesbian folk duets. Basically what I am saying is that I want the new Indigo Girls album, Poseidon and the Bitter Bug, and am annoyed that I can’t find it.

Bleu Cheese. For God’s sakes, you can see the mold on it

BSG’s Gaius Baltar. I don’t even watch that show. But he has always creeped me out.

Just freaking leave the homos alone. I am looking at you here, Nigeria, who are “considering a bill that would further criminalize same-sex relationships… it would impose a minimum 3 year prison sentence for “anyone who has ‘entered into a same gender marriage contract’ as “an affront to family values.” Also you, South Africa, who has seen a sudden rash of “corrective rapes” seeking to “reform” lesbians with brutal rape and occasionally violent  murder. I am not joking about this. I literally am unable to express to you how angry I am. But don’t read this as an indictment of Africa; this isn’t a regional, ethnic, national, or religious peculiarity. Just a few months ago in San Francisco – in San Francisco – a lesbian was attacked and then gang-raped for forty-five minutes by four men who saw a rainbow sticker on her car. If that wasn’t a “corrective rape,” I don’t know what it was. Someone asked me the other day how I think my life in this moment would be different had John McCain been elected – to be honest, I’m not sure we’d be all that far away from a minimum 3-year prison sentence for those in same-gender marriage contracts. You know, to protect family values. I don’t know what to say to any of this other than to beg them all to just stop. Just stop. Leave us alone.

The Godfather. This is not a popular opinion; I know it is objectively a good movie, but when I sit down to watch 2-6 hours of cinematic entertainment I like to think that at some point during that period, I will feel good. The Godfather does not offer that guarantee.

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2 Comments

Filed under Rachel

2 responses to “Stuff Rachel Fucking Hates

  1. Peter

    I don’t think I will ever understand how things like these happen. Like, there is no possible explanation for it. It makes me furious.

    They did catch the bastards though.
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28462081/

  2. Sickup

    wth@not liking the godfather

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