I am getting a student loan’s worth of education tonight! It turns out that all this time I was wrong in thinking we ladies were just people with female genitalia. We are actually fembots with pretty hair! My eyes have been opened. Thank you, Joseph Swetnam.
You probs know this but (if you don’t), in 1615 this Swetnam character basically published a tract and explained to the world that men who dug women were a bunch of wusses. Women “lay out the folds of their hair to entangle men into their love,” Swetnam wrote, adding that “betwixt their breasts is the vale of destruction; and in their beds there is hell, sorrow, and repentance.” Eep. (Wait –– ‘repentance’? Maybe Swetnam didn’t have a good editor and didn’t realize he’d contradicted himself? Or maybe he was “ensnared” by a woman. Yes! I bet that’s it.)
So apparently the entire romantic comedy genre is lying to you, and love is for weak losers. Also, breasts can kill.
Good thing I’m not into chicks.