all i don’t want for christmas

Inspired by an especially  ridiculous and ill-suited ad on Facebook this morning, I’d like to provide a handy tool to all those close to me and publish a non-wish list. In no particular order, here is a list of things never to get for me under any circumstances.

  1. A teddy bear or other stuffed animal. What the fuck, facebook? I am a grown woman with two jobs and a tax refund coming my way. Isn’t it a little patronizing to assume I will be attracted to a child’s toy just because I have a uterus?
  2. Housekeeping appliances. Speaking of having a uterus, giving me items to assist me in cleaning the house is incredibly insulting. Vacuums, swiffers, novel scum-erasing things you saw on infomercials – if I get any of that, I will assume it is your way of volunteering to use that item yourself and take on the cleaning tasks associated with it. Exceptions include cooking appliances, if they are things I actually want. Examples include an immersion blender, a Zojirushi rice cooker, or – God help me – a VitaMix blender.
  3. Pads of paper, writing utensils, mousepads, coffee mugs, or anything else with my name on it. That shit is dumb. There may come a time when I am a woman of the world and need fancy stationery with my name in a professional but attractive seraphed font, but I think we can agree I will never need my initials at the top of my grocery list.
  4. The complete works of Shakespeare. I already have them.
  5. Dumb jewelry – and this turns out to be most jewelry. Think about this one. Have you ever seen me wear earrings that are shaped like tiny Dachshunds? How about an anklet with dolphins and rhinestones on it? No? Then don’t buy it.
  6. Candles or body lotion. This one is doubly bad because they are both useless and expensive. For the money you spent on a candle the size of my head that smells like vanilla pomegranate lemonade with coconut shavings, you could have bought me like three servings of sushi.
  7. Books by authors that sound “right up Rachel’s alley!” If I don’t already read them, it’s because they’re not very good. Also, an informational bulletin: If the cover art features a slick graphic design of high heels, lipstick, a purse, or a cartoon girl who would weigh less than 90 pounds if real, just put it back.
  8. Cell phone accessories. Not even those cute loop things with tiny Japanese cartoons on the end of them.
  9. Crappy-ass acrylic yarn that you found in your grandmother’s attic. If your grandma doesn’t want it, what makes you think I will?
  10. Indian cookbooks. Not that these aren’t a conceptually appropriate gift; it’s more that I have too many. You are welcome to try at ethnicities that you don’t think I own – like, I got a Finnish cookbook a few years ago, and was excited and intrigued.

1 Comment

Filed under Rachel

One response to “all i don’t want for christmas

  1. Peter

    11. The head of John the Baptist.

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